Every time I get my eyes on a man my heart gets hurt. Why? Because I need healing. I need to be engulfed in a shadow of perfect love right now. I need to be embraced and seen as I am and to be loved, understood, and accepted. I am already wounded from past betrayal, hurt, and rejection. I have a history of being lied to, let down, and mistreated. The worst part is that I have not been loving or kind to myself. I don’t even accept myself and I often forget that this is what I’m feeling. I do not like who I am, why? Well, I do like who I am, but there is a voice of mine I hear in my head that rejects myself. This needs to be dealt with. So there is no place in my mind for being with a man who in anyway tells me I’m not good enough and who is only interested in self gain. I have no business seeking approval from a man when I need to love myself and be loved. I have no business listening to the negative voice. Correction is appropriate, but because my heart is already fragile it needs to come from a person who truly cares about me and knows how to be gentle and kind. The words “value” and worth keep playing over and over in my mind so apparently this plays a role. I am valuable so why would I waste my time trying to feel valued? If someone doesn’t value you then they are a hindrance to us and toxic. In other words if someone does not value us and see our worth, without us having to prove it or show it, then we are busy trying to earn something that we need to be already validating. I am worthy, I am fragile, I am tender, I am bruised, I am new. I have new skin that needs to be treated with care and nourished. “I have loved you with an ever lasting love” says the Lord, and he keeps showing me that every time I love a man I will be hurt. The reason for this is because only one knows my heart, I do not have to prove myself to God, he already understands my worth as he himself created me in my mothers womb he celebrates me already. Man does not and will never know my mind, only God does. We all seek to be understood and don’t want to be intimidated. Done. God understands you. God is always kind and gentle with you. I do not need to be spending my time with someone who cannot read my mind, see my heart, or not truly love me. That just wounds my already broken heart, because what I need only God can give me. Now that it is just me and the Lord, I am free to love him and serve him alone.
I have felt weak my whole life, as far back as I can remember. I was a timid child, very sensitive and shy. I felt more comfortable playing by myself. I never grew out of that. I still have that small, timid child inside of me. I have discovered even at a young age that it was a weakness to be so sensitive and to care so much. Everything I took personally. Sometimes I still take things personally even when it wasn’t meant to be. I’ve been told so many times throughout my life I needed more confidence and that I shouldn’t care what people think about me. I also had a huge sensitivity towards others. When I was young I wanted to help people and counsel them. I always cared so much about making other people feel important and loved, all the while many people did not care when they made me feel unloved and unimportant. Now that I’m grown up I am still learning like a child. I suppose there is truth to postings that people who grow old still feel young inside and are even themselves shocked when they see their wrinkles in the mirror, wondering what had happened to them. There was a time when I thought that 40 years old was so old, but now that I am 40 years old I am afraid that I won’t have this life figured out before it is time to die. Life is but a breath for sure. One minute you are here, the next you are gone.
However, there are benefits to being 40 years old and that is I have new clarity about the meaning of life. When I was young I felt that being sensitive meant that I was weak, and that weak meant I was inferior, and that inferior meant that I was not valuable. The truth now as I see it is that Satan spent my whole life at my side driving that lie into my mind so that I would not see just how strong my weakness was, and how superior being inferior truly is. The bible says that those moments when we become weak, we then become strong. There is much strength and courage involved when I step out into the world, sensing the needs and feelings of other people around me, and still being able to look them in their eyes and have a conversation with them that is disconnected. It is courageous when I dare to believe the best in a person and value what they tell me when they’ve actually told me a lie, and even more courageous to love someone I know they are telling me a lie but are pretending they are not.
To have a sensitive heart and still be able to give a piece of it over and over again to people who will hurt it without a second thought is strength. To be misunderstood, to be rejected or used is a part of living as a human. However, the strength that comes from having a sensitive heart is to be able to forgive and understand as well. I have learned as I’ve grown older that as long as I am ok with myself, then it won’t matter if someone understood me or not. Yes, sometimes it is still disappointing, that is natural to feel that way, however as long as my confidence is not dependent on what that person thinks of me then I am ok. My job my suffer in a work environment in which another’s perspective and perception is what determines the security of your position, that sucks when that happens, because popular opinion always wins rather than integrity and truth. That is ok though, because the truth of the matter is that the trials and disappointments in our lives all serve one major purpose, and that is to prove what we base our trust in. Is my foundation for happiness based on my job position? No. Peace of mind maybe, until even then I learn that God always provides, even if it is a life lesson learned on the street. When we learn to embrace our weaknesses and instead see the strength in them, then we indeed become as strong as our greatest weakness. My trust is in the Lord and his word. I know that nothing can happen to me except for what he allows, and I’m not going to lie, I do fear what is coming up next because life has been like a roller coaster ride, just like a person might cringe as they know that a sudden turn or twist will surely appear any moment. However, I have learned to thrill of the roller coaster in that I really do not know what new lesson God is going to bring my way, because when I am weak, then I am strong.
The right kind of love to receive is acceptance and understanding. Patience and consideration. It is a celebration of who you are and what you are about. It is respect. It is a desire for your happiness.
Do we extend this love ourselves? Receiving true love should start with loving ourselves. I struggle to accept my humaness yet God does. Am I better than my Savior? If God cares about something he will correct it. If God is for me then why am I against me? We cannot truly love or forgive others if we cannot extend this to ourselves. Thank you Lord for teaching me about true love.
So what is the purpose of having a man in my life anyways? This is what I’ve really began asking myself. I was someone who always had to have a “man”, like I say “I don’t do single well”. Getting a boyfriend has never been a problem for me truthfully. Ever since I was 11 years old I had had boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend. It went from holding hands to my first kiss to further escalation real quick. I discovered a few things at a very young age, hormones, and.. how good it felt to be desired. I went through some phases of dressing provocatively to being modest, to something in between. I used to spend an hour in the bathroom everyday fixing my hair and my make up even if I didn’t have plans to go anywhere, which was most days. I just knew I was good looking and enjoyed being good looking. Now a day I spend less then 10 minutes on putting on make up if I feel like it. Also, big hair isn’t popular like it used to be so I prefer the natural look now. Every once in awhile I will spend an extra 15 minutes straight ironing my hair (yes still the fad), but I have learned to embrace my natural thick waves and putting some hair gel in occasionally works just as well, and it is easy.
So, back to my topic, I had always had a man in my life. I still recall when I was just 19 years old crying to a family member because I was single and wanted to be married so bad and was convinced that I would be single for the rest of my days. My uncle was like “but you’re 19” lol. Boy, did I get what I wished for. Long story short because I was so desperate to be married I settled with yes a good guy, but with someone who I really didn’t love in earnest and who I really wasn’t compatible with.. just for the sake of getting married. 11 years and 4 kids later it eventually ended in divorce. Despite my hardest attempts to make it work and be happy. Despite my sacrifices for the sake of doing God’s will and sticking it out. Eventually my human weakness got the best of me, and also I will point out that I ignored God when it came to marrying him, because God told me no. However, I still didn’t learn my lesson .. again and again and again.. which brings me to now. Now I am a single mom of 6 kids and just now willing to figure these things out. Please, if anyone is listening, heed my message and learn from my mistakes.
The value of a man? You see I know someone who just wants to be married like I used to feel, and when plan A isn’t working for them, they move on to plan B, and then plan C. I am convinced they will not stop until they obtain that spouse, and truth is I feel sorry for them and truth is I hope against all odds they marry the person who will make them happy life long. Because I’ve learned that when you are in such a desperate state to be with someone, you most likely are going to do it wrong. So, even now I can have a boyfriend, but I no longer seek to fix my single status. I have learned the hard way. Don’t get me wrong, like most everyone else I still hope for and have faith for meeting Mr. Right, however before I am really ready for Mr. Right I first have to be satisfied with just me, and the friends the Lord blesses me with. That is what I secretly yearn for I’ll confide, just a good friend. Sex doesn’t have to be involved as a matter of fact sex just seems to be all wrong even though I love sex but I aim to do it right this time. Why do I want a man? I want a companion but “man”, none are perfect, not even the good ones. It used to be “find a good man”, now it is “no man will do unless I have peace” and anymore I just don’t have peace. I’m discovering that until things are right on the inside of me no man will ever be good enough for me. I will manage to either hook up with the wrong person who has the wrong motives, or who has the right motives but my motives are not right so why does it matter? The only reason a man and woman should ever marry is if they just cannot live without each other, this is my conclusion. Not to have a space filler, or to have a sex partner (though this is a good motivator for marriage). Nope, the value of a man is someone who I can love as a brother or friend in the Lord right now, who I can learn from, who can maybe help me with “man” things all us women need a “handyman”, but mostly I need to only be surrounded by good men. Bad men, stay away.