Walls

wallsA little more than a year ago i experienced a traumatic heart break in which an ex fiance betrayed me and it was a major shock. He was my last hope at a surviving relationship . We both had come from heart breaks and broken pasts and we used to tell eachother that if we didn’t last, neither of us had it in us to try to have a relationship again. We were both that damaged and broken . He looked me in the eyes and told me how wonderful I was and how dumb the men before me were and promised never to hurt me. For the first time in my life I began to relax and feel like everything would be alright , and then he betrayed me.

This ended up being the best thing that happened in my life. This was the point of surrender for me. Up until this point I had loved the Lord but I had not submitted to him in the area of my love life, and when we don’t submit in one area we end up not submitting in many areas .

The Lord Jesus came to me in spirit one morning when I was heart broke, and put his arm around my shoulders, comforting me. He reminded me of the woman at the well who had had many husbands and also lived with a current man who she wasnt married to, and then they had a conversation about living water verses the water that the world gave. It wasn’t a coincidence that this woman was in her 5th relationship and Jesus told her that those who drink from the water the world gives would thirst again… this was my life. Because i was drinking world water and not the living water I kept having failed relationships . I was the woman at the well. I made a decision that day that from then on I would truly surrender my life to him, especially my relationships. I had tasted the water the world gave me and i kept thirsting. They all failed me, they all hurt me, betrayed me, lied to me, didn’t give me what i longed and craved for.. perfect love .

After I had rededicated my life to the Lord, I knew I would need strength because men had always been my idol next to God.. So i joined a Christian singles site (better than a dating site) so that i could find motivation and strength from other Christians who also sought to be single like me.. or so I thought .. anyways I met many friends and this changed my life…

At first I was prepared to be single for the rest of my days, but the Lord told me he was bringing me a husband because he felt I needed one. I told him that only in him would I ever be able trust again.. I’ve had hope to trust again, but I knew that this was impossible without God..

Today I now see differently by his grace . By his grace I’ve learned that in my years of being hurt Ive built walls, these structures in my mind come now as automatic thoughts… no one can be trusted they say, when the men say the right things my mind says “they all say the right things”, when the men appear right, my mind says “yeah but the devil is a skilled liar and pretender” the men say.. “but im not your ex” but my mind says, “yeah yeah yeah I’ve heard this before ” the men say, “you want someone perfect” and my mind says, “yes i have him, his name is Jesus and you are not it”… the men say, “you need to get over it, move on” my mind says..”i cannot force that you don’t understand “.. the man says, “i cannot be with someone who doubts me” my mind says, “then you are with the wrong person i am unable to trust anyone”.

I’ve struggled with this because how can one have the need and urge to be with someone, yet be hopeless at the same time? “You need counseling Jenifer ” my friend says, my mind says, “years of therapy cannot fix me, because I am unfixable.”

I desperately want to feel safe, not be afraid , but i can’t. The walls my mind have built had become a prison and not a safe haven. But God….

 

 

You see something my friends via the holy spirit have been saying to me lately is.. you cannot have faith and doubt at the same time, you cannot have certainty and fear at the same time… the break through came when i understood that I had to make a Choice. Either I believe God or I don’t . My friend said, “are you going to believe God that he will keep you safe and deliver you?”.. the key is to not be anxious but to run to God for everything, and… if he says something, I don’t allow contrary feelings and thoughts to deture me. I also discovered that there is a strong contrary voice with me so i stand against Satan by not only rebuking him… because I got a revelation today that after i was mistreated by one of my exes id had this controlling, unclean spirit with me so i rebuked that by his grace. Now I have a different belief. A year ago I said “I cannot trust anyone “, now I can say sincerely that ,”there are plenty of trustworthy men who are faithful and genuine. There are men who truly love God and who would genuinely love me and treat me well”.. i had been raped by Satan.. mind raped mostly .. and now he is being treaded upon under my feet. I believe in the spiritual aspect of freedom from demonic influence that begins with rebuking the devourer, but that is only part of healing . That is pulling out the root of evil. But healing continues as we become reformed in our thinking .. now i see that these automatic thoughts that have been walls forming a prison i couldnt break free from were first built to protect me. With Satan out of the picture we can begin healing, now with God’s grace I seek to be healed of every painful belief.. it also includes reliving painful memories and seeing Jesus with me this time

..all that was done to me was done by Satan and was a weapon meant to destroy me.. but God will restore all that he took from me. Amen.

 

Only One Thing Is Needed

Every time I get my eyes on a man my heart gets hurt. Why? Because I need healing. I need to be engulfed in a shadow of perfect love right now. I need to be embraced and seen as I am and to be loved, understood, and accepted. I am already wounded from past betrayal, hurt, and rejection. I have a history of being lied to, let down, and mistreated. The worst part is that I have not been loving or kind to myself. I don’t even accept myself and I often forget that this is what I’m feeling. I do not like who I am, why? Well, I do like who I am, but there is a voice of mine I hear in my head that rejects myself. This needs to be dealt with. So there is no place in my mind for being with a man who in anyway tells me I’m not good enough and who is only interested in self gain. I have no business seeking approval from a man when I need to love myself and be loved. I have no business listening to the negative voice. Correction is appropriate, but because my heart is already fragile it needs to come from a person who truly cares about me and knows how to be gentle and kind. The words “value” and worth keep playing over and over in my mind so apparently this plays a role. I am valuable so why would I waste my time trying to feel valued? If someone doesn’t value you then they are a hindrance to us and toxic. In other words if someone does not value us and see our worth, without us having to prove it or show it, then we are busy trying to earn something that we need to be already validating. I am worthy, I am fragile, I am tender, I am bruised, I am new. I have new skin that needs to be treated with care and nourished. “I have loved you with an ever lasting love” says the Lord, and he keeps showing me that every time I love a man I will be hurt. The reason for this is because only one knows my heart, I do not have to prove myself to God, he already understands my worth as he himself created me in my mothers womb he celebrates me already. Man does not and will never know my mind, only God does. We all seek to be understood and don’t want to be intimidated. Done. God understands you. God is always kind and gentle with you. I do not need to be spending my time with someone who cannot read my mind, see my heart, or not truly love me. That just wounds my already broken heart, because what I need only God can give me. Now that it is just me and the Lord, I am free to love him and serve him alone.

Healing

healing-waters-carol-cavalaris

This time in my life is really about healing. I realize that my lack of trust is pushing people/men away but do you know what.. maybe that is what my subconscious wants and needs. I cannot take any more pain right now, nor am I ready to really give my heart away. It needs to be healed. Sometimes being alone is really the best medicine though i rarely will seek it, as a matter of fact I kind of resist it.. being alone but deep down inside my heart knows better. I am not ready to let some people go yet… but we are never alone. This really is not just a time of “being alone” but rather it is a time of being alone enough in solitude to hear the one who’s love is true. His love heals me because it is real. It is dependable. Jesus never came to be served.. he came to serve. He came to love, he came to teach and correct, he came to bless.. he came that “we may have life and have it abundantly ” john 10:10.. he came and he died.. not really asking for anything in return. What did Jesus tell us to do really? Only two things had he ever asked us to do..#1. Love God with all your heart #2. Love people more than yourself.. when you learn how to do number 1, number 2 happens more naturally. I am still learning how to do both. We are not perfect, and guess what? We don’t have to be.. he takes us as we are. So being alone with the Savior of the world and our creator who is the essence of love, no wait.. he IS love…there is no better medicine. I am also learning that as i yield to him, do what he asks (i still need work in this area) then he can teach me more.. faster.. because he has things he wants to teach us.. but we cannot learn unless we get quiet.. Lord help me be quiet. Help me heal. Thank you for your healing power. Help me trust you even more. Amen.