When people hurt you and are often fake, it is scary to dwell among them. The minute you open up to one of them it seems that is the moment that you are again reminded that people are not safe. Oh how great it is to have a good friend who you can share your deepest, inner most secrets with. Oh wait, what did they say about you? But.. I thought they understood me… but.. I thought they cared.. I thought they were safe, oh my bad for ever believing in a person.. once again I made a mistake. My life is set up to be exactly this way… why? Because this is what it takes for me to see that there is only one who is safe. He stands at the door.. waiting for me, watching me, loving me. I am his, I was designed just so that he can have me to be intimate with. No one else will share my glory he says to me, you have been created just for me. You have allowed me to chase after man.. you watched as I turned away and sought them instead, therefore every single “man” I turn to will be great a disappointment, why? Because you are standing in the doorway watching me, you know what I need, what I crave, what I desire, and it is a deep deep need for intimacy… but… this person does not suffice, that person doesn’t fit the bill, oh wait maybe this man will.. oh dang, no they didn’t, .. I search and I search and I search, and you are waiting, standing in the door way watching… finally I am utterly alone, disappointed, I remember you, and I call to you, you’ve always been there. You’ve always loved me perfectly. You’ve always been faithful to me, you are what I’ve always sought and craved. You are beautiful.. you are strong, you are wise, you are perfect….. salve for my heart, salve for my soul…. you reach out to me, even as I go about my business I feel your caress on my cheek, you love me and you just wanted me to be aware, that I was created just for you, you are my lover, I am fashioned to be yours to cherish and care for… oh how lucky I am I have been honored above all others because I have been prepared for the perfect lover and I am yours and you are mine and you I adore. I am safe.
I am told all the time, “it is well with you”. I am well because thanks to your grace I am understanding that I have not been well. I have had so many traumas and disappointments and they had taken their toll. However I am well because you are making me well. You tell me to expose myself to the light, to show you what is going on on the inside, things I do not want to see myself. I am not well. I am well because my hope is in you. I am well because I’m now very connected to you. I am well because it is just me and you. I can talk about how I feel because it is safe. I am not well Lord, but I am well now because with you I am safe.
God I want to please you. Please help me be pleasing to you. I find it hard to focus even my thoughts on you as there are so many hindrances in this life to keep us distracted. It takes great discipline to focus on your face and giving you praise. I understand with my mind that it is the right thing to do, however the flesh is deceiving and weak. Help me always put you first. Please make my thoughts pleasing to you, teach me how. Help me worship you and have the words to form a thought about you. I know it is right. Help me walk pleasingly in your sight. I want everything I do to be perfume to you. I want to always have pure motives. I want to understood everything that you think about me. I want more than anything to understand you. I have asked and still have hope that you will let me actually see your face. I wonder what you look like up close and personal. I wonder if you look like a child, or a beggar, or a saint. What of your eyes, do we have to be pure light to see with eyes. Do we have to have special glasses to filter the glory of your face before we see shape? I want to see what you look like. I want to be there with you and be where you are, and I want to dwell with you and always be at your side. I want to know you in the most intimate way. Help me I want to see your face. I want to be where you are, I want to know you. I think that you are maybe not what we would expect to see, maybe you are what we would call “ugly” but yet be the most beautiful because of the inner beauty that emanates. I want intimacy in such a real way, with the Lord of lights. Maybe, just maybe I was designed to truly be the bride of Jesus. Amen.
The Issue we have is that we neglect to obey the first and most important commandment and that is to put God first. If you are having confusion about anything, or emotional upset, or problems and everything in your life going wrong, first ask yourself the most important question, which is, “am I putting God first”? Are you saying as Jesus said, “not my will but thine be done”?. That would solve every single problem in human existence. People scoff at the idea of being a zealot, a Christian, a religious “nut”, however that is what we were created for, and to live a life apart from your God is truly not living at all. Sometimes it takes major catastrophe to enter a person’s life before they will turn their thoughts to God. That is where it is, you see we get bent on the idea of what we “do” as far as being religious is concerned, but the truth of the matter is that God searches thoughts. When he looks upon us, he is first looking upon our thoughts and searching out a person who thinks on him. That is where it begins. He searches the thoughts and motives of man kind. If he didn’t see anything good in you he would have already destroyed you, but he knows there is good in you so he beckons for you to join him in heavenly matrimony, because he wants to be with you where you are. He and I talked much today, and we discussed many things. One of the things that he talked about was the importance of “multiplying”, it is his will that we have children because it is our seed that fills the earth and he also talked to me about how there is nothing in existence that he did not create. He talked to me intimately, driving home the concept that he knew me before the foundation of the world even was formed, and how he created me to do even greater works then Jesus did while earth. We hear the phrase, “before you were even a thought in your mother’s mind”, but the truth is that before this world ever came into existence he thought about you, and what is more important is that he fashioned this world for you, and he also fashioned Jesus to serve you through the redemption of your soul. It is true when the bible says that before the world was ever created, he knew you, because you were his design. You were his workmanship. You were a character with a role in the greatest story ever told, which is the story of creation, and man made to be like God. Selah…
I’m in a process right now of grieving because God is having a “coming to Jesus” meeting with me, so to speak. I have realized that my focus on men is idolatry for me, and is simply a distraction that makes me have sorrow. I have been so afraid he’s leading me to be single, while at the same time wishing I had the grace of a eunuch, not having the need to be with a man. Now I’ve come to a cross roads that I am called to focus all my attention back to him, and to not do so is straight up disobedience. So I grieve because of recent perceptions and doubts about a man I love and feeling rejected. The Lord reminds me every time that I am hurting because I am tangling myself with man flesh (not literally just yet), and setting my heart on man who is imperfect, when in all honesty it is perfect love that I truly need not only now, but maybe for the rest of my life. I have anguish when I consider my desire to be with a man, yet am not sure how I would ever be content with anything less than the best which I doubt I’d ever have with a human. I have my will, my understanding which at times feels so limiting, and then I have God’s will that I do not know. I do know this however, I want what his will is more than I want my own will. So now for the sake of knowing that “father knows best” I am yielding to his will which is to focus on him right now. Put him first right now. Make him my love right now. I am not going to lie, it is a struggle. I am still thinking about the man I care about, still going through the hurt I feel from doubt, still hopeful it can work out, the grief of dying to my will completely not knowing if I’ll ever know a man again as I do so which has been a solid idol in my life for years, and just down about these things, then coming back to hearing God in the back ground in spirit dropping scripture after scripture in my heart saying, “today is the day that the lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it”, “all good things come from above from the father of heavenly lights”, “praise God for all the things his hands have made”, “there is nothing in all creation that can separate you from my love”, “he works all these light and momentary afflictions for my good”, “faith comes by hearing, hearing by the word of God”… and there is a spiritual presence rejoicing and leading me to rejoice all the while my soul is in grief because I am dying to my will.. but wait, there’s more voices, “I have been crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, yet not I but the life I live i Live by faith in the son of God who loved me and gave himself for me”, “how much more will you submit to the father of lights and live”, “it is the perfecting of your faith that is at work here”, “patient endurance, patient endurance”. Here is what faith is about, it is about believing what the word says enough to die for it and act upon it. It does not feel good… at first. This is why it is called dying, however the glory of being rooted and established in love and on his word is that there is so much promise, and we know that we don’t truly find life until we have given up our life saying, “not my will by thy will be done”. Oh how glorious is the inheritance of the saints. No eye has seen or ear heard what God has in store for those who love him. Ok ok Lord, if you tell me to rejoice, then I better receive that command and start rejoicing, by faith, pressing in, finding a reason. Because you know the plans you have for my life, plans to prosper me and not harm me, to give me a hope and a future.. Jeremiah 29:11 my verse for this month. Surely we have a delightful inheritance.
So, now that I’ve gotten all that under my belt and dealt with, there is peace. Now that my only work is to focus on is the assignment the Lord has given me. Now that the only one who I am giving my heart to is Jesus, I have found the one and perfect thing. No greater love has man than this, that a man would lay down his life for his friend. Jesus believed in God’s will enough that he willingly gave up his life, so that by him loving his life, because he loved me so much, I might now be able to enjoy a life lived through him completing God’s will. Jesus is my heart focus and his love is perfect. He is always right. He is always genuine, patient, loyal, loving, true, and when he tells me I need to listen, it is because he genuinely loves my soul. There is so much comfort when the king of the heavenly realms gives you an assignment and a new hope to live a life worthy of that call is my biggest sacrifice. I have grand things to look forward to and there is a word for every season so I have a lamp for my feet at all times to light the correct path and there is thrill in mystery. When my heart is set on him, the author and finisher of my faith, the pain dissipates, the storm calms and I am very comforted. Thank you Jesus.
The word Knew here is related to a person who walks in the light compared to a person walking in the darkness. The difference between a person who walks in the light verses the darkness is a person who is open, forthcoming and true. You see, when we are not forthcoming with our answers to ourselves and to God then we become one who is deceived. The word describes a light that is shining in the darkness. A light is illuminating, it exposes all the things that are hidden by a cover of darkness. When the light is turned on, then we can see what is really in the room. When we can see what is in the room then we can see clearly whether the objects are clean or something useful, or old rubbish that needs to be thrown away. We can find our belongings, our clothing, the tools that we need to function and live in life. It would be impossible to clean our room of impurities if you cannot see the true cleanliness of an object in the darkness. You could try to cleanse it in the water by touch, and rub it with your hands or a towel and then think it is clean, until you turn on the light and discover that it is not. The Lord says to you, “look, I know that you have dirty objects in your room, I’m not here to judge but rather to cleanse your room, however I am unable to help you become clean unless you allow me to turn on a light”. Because of our shame we try to hide our dirty objects in the dark, but to make ourselves feel clean we might go into a corner of the room and rub an object with a hand towel and call it good, so that we can ease our conscience and so that the father of lights, who is God the creator who is clean and pure won’t be able to see just how dirty the object is. The deceptive cleansing can be likened to one who says a quick prayer at bedtime or reads a chapter out of the bible every now and then so that they can feel holy, however they never truly become clean because, they refuse to turn on the light so that they themselves can properly face the dirt in their home and deal with it, although the bible says that we cannot cleanse ourselves sufficiently. It is not our responsibility to cleanse ourselves because God said that he would do that for us, all that he asks is that we turn on the lights so that both you and him can see the needs properly, and then he himself will cleanse your dirty home. The dirty home I am referring to is the room in your heart where old habits, mistakes, ugly behaviors and secrets reside. If we say that we don’t have dirt in our hearts, if we say that we don’t have sin, then we lie and there is no light in us. We must choose to open the door and turn on the light, exposing the contents to God and confess that we have a problem if we are ever to have fellowship with him, because he is light, and in him there is no darkness. This light is likened to the pureness as far as motives and true righteousness is concerned. When we remain in the dark, we do not reside with God. If we ever want to walk with God and enter into his kingdom of light, we must first step into the light and abandon the lies. You see, a person who says that they know God, while never turning on the light, despite how many scriptures that they can recite or how well they can teach a bible lesson or the miracles they might be able to perform, the Lord will address their claim to be his disciple on judgement day and say to him, “depart from me, I never knew you”, because that deceived man or woman thought that their vain attempts at cleansing themselves while never exposing the contents of their room to God who only dwells in the light, the Lord will be accurate to say that he never knew him because he dwelled in darkness, and not in the light so the Lord never saw him he was hidden from his sight. Make no mistake, if you are to be saved, you must be real about everything before the father of lights.
1 John 1:5-10
5 This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.
We will say to him, “but I prophesied in your name, I cast demons out in your name”, but here’s a deeper look at this let us get this:
We have a front that we are presenting to him, how we want to be seen by him, but that is not who we really are on the inside, and when he looks at you he wants to see the inside, and because you won’t allow him to see the whole truth, then the “you” you hope he’ll see is not who you truly are and he will not ever truly know you. Do you get it?
Selah, let us think about this
I am free to be the person I want to be. No one else is here to tell me how to live my life, so I am free to be me. I am free to serve God and to die for him. I am free to be the mom I want to be. I am free to organize my life, or be as chaotic as I choose to be. I am free to seek first his kingdom and his righteousness in my life, and there is nothing to hinder or stop me. Who can I blame for a lack of discipline? I am free to live my life how I choose to. I am free to work for whom I want to. I am free to go to the church I want to and go as often as I like or not at all. I am free to spend the money I make how I want to and to be as poor as I want to. Who is here to tell me who I can choose to please or ignore? I am free. I am free because my life is my own, but I am not on my own, I am not alone, because God is right beside me, leading, directing and guiding me into who he created me to be, because I am free to lay down my life and seek not my will but his will so that the life I live will not be my choosing but his. I am free.