Lack of Trust

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So yesterday I wrote about my trust in God, how glorious this is!! Really no words can describe how wonderful this is, and we can always come to him no matter what is going on in our life or no matter what you have done.

Today I want to talk about my lack of trust in people, especially men. I am a little down today. My ex fiance apparently just got out of jail because he was graced with probation rather than jail time and although I’m pretty much over it.. today dirt in my heart is being stirred. Not only about him but about another recent ex.. and just about men but about women in my life, family members, adopted family members. It is all being stirred up.. thanks to whatever is responsible for this. That was sarcastic by the way. You know .. you love someone.. and then something happens, they betray you, or there are misunderstandings, distance.. whatever but to the core of a lack of trust is the fact that the person failed to love you enough. They broke a promise, they once made you believe they loved you just for you to later discover that it was only a lie.. or a partial truth. They were selfish and didn’t care about how they really hurt you… you know it really is easier to just be numb to it. I mean, what can you do? Mope? Whine.. shed a tear.. yes shedding tears are nice sometimes i don’t shed them enough but sometimes you can only shed so many times until you just get tired of it. And after you shed them then guess what? You are still left with the same broken heart. It didn’t change a single thing. But.. a person such as myself can get to a place in which you never trust a person anymore. Sure you can forgive and continue to forgive but eventually you still learn to look under every rock for the bug.. because you know that every rock is going to have a bug no matter how shiny and clean it appears. Others come along and say “oh.. but i am not that person.. i am being punished for someone else’s crime.. blah blah blah blah” yeah you think.. that’s what “he/she said too” you keep it to yourself because that person already has their feelings bruised.. and guess what.. yes.. you might have guessed it.. maybe.. there is NOT a happy ending to the story because.. lol.. surprise.. they did it too shhh…

So some may say or think that this is a bad place to be.. rock bottom in the trust department.. but guess what.. it is where im supposed to be. All i can do now is look up.. and learn to forgive but not ever trust.. unless the Lord allows.. but this was his plan to make me only ever depend on him.

Trust in God

Trust in God means that we embrace that we are in the center of his will despite our hardships. It means that when we are fervently making a request of him and he is being slow to bring the manifestation then we accept and understand that there is a purpose for the delay. The Lord spoke to me last night when i waa making a request in faith and he showed me something that he’s shown me before, that he could have already given me everything i requested. One of the things im requesting is his help to obtain materials for my house because it is not completed yet and despite the fact that ive left my kids and home working many hours overtime when im able i have not been able to get ahead.. mainly be because after my main bills i have to pay a babysitter. So when i was asking him about this because we know that God can do anything he showed me that he’s put me in such a vulnerable way because of someone else in my life. Sometimes he makes us reliant on someone else because that other person is getting set up for a major blessing..

You know, when i made a commitment to be the Lord’s instrument it really was like i was giving myself in .marriage let me explain. When we say “here i am Lord, use me” guess what happens next? He uses you. Yielding to our father, our Lord, my spiritual “husband” means that i trust he has a plan and purpose despite the way he allows me to be in.. because when i have a Godly attitude and obey him despite it.. he can do so many things not only in my heart causing me to be dependent on him, causing me to he humble, forcing me to walk by faith not by sight, but he is making me an example or teaching his life lessin through the object we call life. God uses so many life situations to teach us about him including the aunts who work and toil all summer so they can live in the winter, including faithfulness in a marriage relationship because marriage is meant to be a reflection of our relationship with him. When i am betrayed then i get to undertand just a smidge of what betrayal felt like to Jesus, or for God when we chase after idols instead of making him our God. Trust in him always, in all things trust.

My First Week in the Fight Against Gluttony

Oh boy, I am tempted to say this week has not been a success, however that would be incorrect. Success depends on what you are using to measure it with. Have I gotten gluttony beat yet? Umm I wish I could say yes but that is a big fat no. Today was the first day that I managed some self control in not overeating. However, I’ve had some other successes this week. There was a time yesterday that I was tempted to eat when I wasn’t hungry, but I said no and abstained. Later on however I ate more than my fill, however when I was tempted to feel like a failure that still small voice rose up in me and said “you were successful, you evaded temptation earlier” and then I got to thinking “yes, that’s right!”. It doesn’t take a spirit filled person to understand the value of positive thinking when we are trying to accomplish something new in our lives. When we are attempting to overcome an addiction such as overcoming cigarettes, alcoholism, drugs, overeating, anger fits, whatever applies go ahead and fit in a work of the flesh. You see, these things are all works of the flesh I feel lead to get biblical here so I’m going to go with it. Hmmm reading in Galations chapter 5 we are told to be lead by the spirit and we will not fulfill the works of the flesh. It talks about the flesh vs walking in the spirit I won’t post the entire chapter but I will post the first verse because it is powerful and what I want manifested in my life right now Galations 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm , then, and do not let yourselves be burdened by a yoke of slavery”. Now my initial thought when it mentions being burdened by a yoke of slavery I assumed it meant the yoke of slavery to the flesh, but that is not what it is saying. That did excite me but I know enough of the word to know that as Christians we are already free from the yoke of slavery to sin (different passage of scripture). Instead, what this verse is referring to is a yoke of slavery to trying to attain the Lord’s approval through works. Interesting that this is where I’m lead, because what this means for me is that when I try to overcome the flesh by the power of the flesh, I will surely fail. Thank you father for leading me to this place. You know, as I was sort of mentioning, success has many different faces. This week I did not obtain the success that “I” wanted to obtain such as complete freedom from over eating, however I obtained by God’s holy spirit and his grace a different form of success, and that is understanding once again that my value is not measured by the shape of my body, but rather it is measured by the contents of my heart. And though the Lord himself cares about the shape of my body because he knows it effects my emotional state, my self esteem, my energy level, my witness and so on and so forth… he will help me accomplish overcoming in this area being how it is his spirit that stirs this desire to be free. However, he is much more concerned about the deeper things. He wants me to know I am loved right now, I am valuable right now. And he wants me to rely heavily on him during this time because he is the one that gives us the grace to overcome. Now, if you are not a Christian or are a Christian but think this is a bunch of phooey that we should only rely on ourselves, let me inform you that despite your proud mindset, you only have the mental strength that “you” have because “he” orchestrated your life and your genetic make up so that you will have it. Beware that you do not give credit where credit is due. God can make you lose your mental capacity in a moment’s notice, he’s done it before to a man in the bible, he can certainly do it to you. However, God loves you and simply wants you to look to him because he wants a commune with you. I however have learned to be very grateful for my weaknesses because although they are challenging, they have caused me to be ever so strong in his power and might. 2 corinthians 12:9-11 “for when I am weak, his power is made strong”.

The Purpose of a Man

So what is the purpose of having a man in my life anyways? This is what I’ve really began asking myself. I was someone who always had to have a “man”, like I say “I don’t do single well”. Getting a boyfriend has never been a problem for me truthfully. Ever since I was 11 years old I had had boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend. It went from holding hands to my first kiss to further escalation real quick. I discovered a few things at a very young age, hormones, and.. how good it felt to be desired. I went through some phases of dressing provocatively to being modest, to something in between. I used to spend an hour in the bathroom everyday fixing my hair and my make up even if I didn’t have plans to go anywhere, which was most days. I just knew I was good looking and enjoyed being good looking. Now a day I spend less then 10 minutes on putting on make up if I feel like it. Also, big hair isn’t popular like it used to be so I prefer the natural look now. Every once in awhile I will spend an extra 15 minutes straight ironing my hair (yes still the fad), but I have learned to embrace my natural thick waves and putting some hair gel in occasionally works just as well, and it is easy.

So, back to my topic, I had always had a man in my life. I still recall when I was just 19 years old crying to a family member because I was single and wanted to be married so bad and was convinced that I would be single for the rest of my days. My uncle was like “but you’re 19” lol. Boy, did I get what I wished for. Long story short because I was so desperate to be married I settled with yes a good guy, but with someone who I really didn’t love in earnest and who I really wasn’t compatible with.. just for the sake of getting married. 11 years and 4 kids later it eventually ended in divorce. Despite my hardest attempts to make it work and be happy. Despite my sacrifices for the sake of doing God’s will and sticking it out. Eventually my human weakness got the best of me, and also I will point out that I ignored God when it came to marrying him, because God told me no. However, I still didn’t learn my lesson .. again and again and again.. which brings me to now. Now I am a single mom of 6 kids and just now willing to figure these things out. Please, if anyone is listening, heed my message and learn from my mistakes.

The value of a man? You see I know someone who just wants to be married like I used to feel, and when plan A isn’t working for them, they move on to plan B, and then plan C. I am convinced they will not stop until they obtain that spouse, and truth is I feel sorry for them and truth is I hope against all odds they marry the person who will make them happy life long. Because I’ve learned that when you are in such a desperate state to be with someone, you most likely are going to do it wrong. So, even now I can have a boyfriend, but I no longer seek to fix my single status. I have learned the hard way. Don’t get me wrong, like most everyone else I still hope for and have faith for meeting Mr. Right, however before I am really ready for Mr. Right I first have to be satisfied with just me, and the friends the Lord blesses me with. That is what I secretly yearn for I’ll confide, just a good friend. Sex doesn’t have to be involved as a matter of fact sex just seems to be all wrong even though I love sex but I aim to do it right this time. Why do I want a man? I want a companion but “man”, none are perfect, not even the good ones. It used to be “find a good man”, now it is “no man will do unless I have peace” and anymore I just don’t have peace. I’m discovering that until things are right on the inside of me no man will ever be good enough for me. I will manage to either hook up with the wrong person who has the wrong motives, or who has the right motives but my motives are not right so why does it matter? The only reason a man and woman should ever marry is if they just cannot live without each other, this is my conclusion. Not to have a space filler, or to have a sex partner (though this is a good motivator for marriage). Nope, the value of a man is someone who I can love as a brother or friend in the Lord right now, who I can learn from, who can maybe help me with “man” things all us women need a “handyman”, but mostly I need to only be surrounded by good men. Bad men, stay away.

Unable To Sleep

I am unable to sleep. This wouldn’t be a big deal if I didn’t have somewhere I had to be in the morning, but since I have an appointment the amount of stress over the loss of sleep increases greatly. Also, conflicts arise in a certain relationship status. You know there is always a reason to “stress”. When we do well it seems our adversary, the devil works that much harder to add stresses to our lives. “Oh, you are having peace? Well, let’s change this here is some strife, here is some adversity”. However, my heavenly father is one step ahead. He had already been speaking to me about this particular relationship. He told me that if this person doesn’t remain supportive of me they will soon regret not standing by my side. He told me this in my spirit for days now and now I’m seeing it manifest, and so far this friend is choosing the wrong side. My heavenly father will bless me soon, he has shown me. I have received prophesies of how he will do this, but prophesies are meant to stir our faith. I never trust in the prophesy itself aside from what God is already telling me, but I have expectant hope I can say this much. In the future, I don’t know exactly how soon but I do know that soon enough I will be on here blogging a testimony, just wait and see. So, back to my point.. I am unable to sleep yet feeling pulled here to blog, so here I am. What the Lord has been counseling me in my heart about is to not be swayed by circumstances. This is the devil’s playground. I even heard a message today about this, that there are facts, and then there is the truth. God’s truth always trumps the facts. We are told many times not to worry, because what can worry do for our lives? What does it change? All that worry does is steal our joy while changing absolutely nothing. I know that in the grand scheme of things God has a plan and he is in control. Sometimes a door closes and this in itself can lead to a lot of stressful nights and lack of sleep, however the door was meant to close so that God can open a better door. Maybe his plan is to open and close several mini doors and we might feel like we are running around in a confusing maze, however there is a point in the end, a certain door, certain lessons that we must partake in in order to open the main door. Sometimes this is just a test of our faith, how much do we trust him in the midst of adversity? What is the point of trust if there is no action behind it or need for it? Also, I still have not forgotten that all of life is a seeking of certain doors, however is never about the doors because we already have everything we need which is a relationship with God himself. However, he places doors, challenges and desires to seek doors and to rise up to challenges for his purposes, and sometimes I think it just keeps things interesting. 🙂

You are enough

Goodnight little ones, this single mother says to her already sleeping children.  So many days I had been afraid, not knowing how I will ever do this on my own, but tonight everything feels O.K.  By your grace I have learned that even when I have obstacles that are yet overcome, there is nothing to fear because you are there, so no need to worry.  Tonight I am not worried.  Tonight I know myself and my kids are OK.  We seek to have our outside needs met, yet you truly do wish for us to prosper in our souls first, and this is what you have done for me.  You have shown me I’m accepted and met my deepest longing which is to be satisfied with love, to be loved.  There was a time when I didn’t believe this phrase, it was something that we Christians like to say, however as we say this, we are still reaching out our hands for more satisfaction towards things that do not satisfy like food, a lover, an occupation, a drug, an alcoholic beverage.  We think to ourselves “if only I can have… ____” fill in the blank.  That is what we can honestly refer to as an idol.  An idol back in Moses’s day was something made from wood or metal that people worshiped, yet it was obviously lifeless.  Now, because of your grace you have taught me that anything I reach my hand toward for satisfaction is just like one of those man made idols, lifeless.. because only you can truly satisfy.  When I get alone with you and when I hear your words come to my heart it gives me life.  It gives me love.  I love you Lord.  I worship you Lord.  You are enough.  

The Fight with Gluttony

Oh this sin is so ingrained in me.  I have found so much comfort in food most of my life.  Now it is time I let it go… the very thought of doing this has sent me into a feeding frenzy.. sigh.  Every time I decide I’m going to kick it and not eat until I am truly hungry something very appetizing beckons me from the refrigerator, and now I am finding myself eating not only when I am not truly hungry, but twice as much as I need.  Oh the shame, and to think that people in Africa have very little to eat, or nothing at all some days.  However, I have the mind of Christ, and old things pass away and all things become new.  This is just the beginning.  It wasn’t long ago when I gave up the nasty habit of smoking cigarettes and at first I experienced the same thing.  I smoked more when I thought about it, to the point of chain smoking 2-3 cigarettes with my lungs burning and hurting, hearing words in the back of my mind more like doubts saying “you will never kick this, you don’t want to kick it”.  Oh, it was a struggle alright, but thank God he didn’t give up on me and let me keep doing it.  I didn’t think I ever could, or that I ever would.  I didn’t think I wanted to bad enough, however I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, and I did overcome.  That was over 4 months ago.  But my mind says “you have been addicted to food for so much longer.. you have tried and failed so many more times” shhhh flesh machinery trying to keep me in bondage.  The word that my spirit speaks to me today is “those who he sets free are free indeed” your days are numbered gluttony.  So,  I had recently attempted a diet.. again.  Recalling how good I felt when I did it and succeeded a year ago.  What I failed to remember is how I relapsed afterwards and not only gained the weight I lost back, but plus some.  I have successfully lost weight using principles from christian weight loss programs such as weigh down workshop and thin within.  So these are the principles I am going off now, though I am not in any official weight loss programs now.  I have tried and failed at several diets and had succeeded in these programs to an extent in that I couldn’t continue with them through my pregnancies.  Others had but I didn’t.  However, one thing I learned in these programs and that I was recently reminded of in my time in researching my newest diet, that dieting is not a good idea.. ever.  A way of life is the way to go.  So I commit to myself right now that if it takes the rest of my life to accomplish this new way of life, it will still be worth it.  There is no need to hurry except for vanity which is not God’s plan.  He accepts me perfectly as I look right now and as I am.  Yet he still wants me to be free.  I will start this with prayer “Lord, I trust that you will set this captive free”.  That is a prayer of faith.  Amen.   

The Perfect Lover

I found the perfect lover finally after trying several bad ones.  Let me tell you about him and you can decide if you agree.  He always cares about me.  He doesn’t just tell me he cares, while showing in his actions that he doesn’t.  He always listens to what I say and also he is paying attention to what I am not saying.  He takes a look at everything that is going on in and around me and identifies needs that I have that I don’t even know that I have.  He watches over my life and when he sees danger approaching me he warns me.  He longs for me to spend time with him, unlike my past lovers I do not have to beg.  When I am busy, he respects my space and still watches over and loves me.  Eventually he tugs on me and asks me to come away with him to a secret place so that we can spend time together.  When I am feeling sad and alone, I will hear his gentle voice tell me how much he loves me, and I will feel his strong comforting arms wrap around me.  While I am being rejected by others I care about, he is standing beside me and tells me how valuable I am.  He does not simply flatter me with words, but rather he means every word he says.  When someone hurts me, he deals with them, sometimes making me feel bad for the person who crossed me, because that is how much he cares about me.  When I am feeling bad about a mistake I made, or a failure.. when I don’t believe I am good enough, he approaches me and tells me that he loves me and that I am perfect to him and that I should forgive myself.  Unlike other lovers, he’s always there.  He has never once been unfaithful to me, even when I’ve ignored him and chased after others.  He is faithful and I can trust in his authority 100% because he always has my best interest at heart when he tries to make decisions for me.  He is also very wise, he really does know more than anyone else I have come across, and he is rich.  He can afford anything, but he only gives me the gifts that are for my best.  Have you figured out who I am talking about yet?  His name is Jesus Christ.  Because he has always been faithful to me, while I joined with unfaithful evil men, I have decided that I will now be faithful to him, and I have discovered that he truly is the best lover that any woman (or man) can have.  He loves us more than a mother, a friend, a lover, a brother.  I have committed my life to him, and by his grace will continue to yield my life to him day by day.  I am the bride of Christ.