The Purpose of a Man

So what is the purpose of having a man in my life anyways? This is what I’ve really began asking myself. I was someone who always had to have a “man”, like I say “I don’t do single well”. Getting a boyfriend has never been a problem for me truthfully. Ever since I was 11 years old I had had boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend. It went from holding hands to my first kiss to further escalation real quick. I discovered a few things at a very young age, hormones, and.. how good it felt to be desired. I went through some phases of dressing provocatively to being modest, to something in between. I used to spend an hour in the bathroom everyday fixing my hair and my make up even if I didn’t have plans to go anywhere, which was most days. I just knew I was good looking and enjoyed being good looking. Now a day I spend less then 10 minutes on putting on make up if I feel like it. Also, big hair isn’t popular like it used to be so I prefer the natural look now. Every once in awhile I will spend an extra 15 minutes straight ironing my hair (yes still the fad), but I have learned to embrace my natural thick waves and putting some hair gel in occasionally works just as well, and it is easy.

So, back to my topic, I had always had a man in my life. I still recall when I was just 19 years old crying to a family member because I was single and wanted to be married so bad and was convinced that I would be single for the rest of my days. My uncle was like “but you’re 19” lol. Boy, did I get what I wished for. Long story short because I was so desperate to be married I settled with yes a good guy, but with someone who I really didn’t love in earnest and who I really wasn’t compatible with.. just for the sake of getting married. 11 years and 4 kids later it eventually ended in divorce. Despite my hardest attempts to make it work and be happy. Despite my sacrifices for the sake of doing God’s will and sticking it out. Eventually my human weakness got the best of me, and also I will point out that I ignored God when it came to marrying him, because God told me no. However, I still didn’t learn my lesson .. again and again and again.. which brings me to now. Now I am a single mom of 6 kids and just now willing to figure these things out. Please, if anyone is listening, heed my message and learn from my mistakes.

The value of a man? You see I know someone who just wants to be married like I used to feel, and when plan A isn’t working for them, they move on to plan B, and then plan C. I am convinced they will not stop until they obtain that spouse, and truth is I feel sorry for them and truth is I hope against all odds they marry the person who will make them happy life long. Because I’ve learned that when you are in such a desperate state to be with someone, you most likely are going to do it wrong. So, even now I can have a boyfriend, but I no longer seek to fix my single status. I have learned the hard way. Don’t get me wrong, like most everyone else I still hope for and have faith for meeting Mr. Right, however before I am really ready for Mr. Right I first have to be satisfied with just me, and the friends the Lord blesses me with. That is what I secretly yearn for I’ll confide, just a good friend. Sex doesn’t have to be involved as a matter of fact sex just seems to be all wrong even though I love sex but I aim to do it right this time. Why do I want a man? I want a companion but “man”, none are perfect, not even the good ones. It used to be “find a good man”, now it is “no man will do unless I have peace” and anymore I just don’t have peace. I’m discovering that until things are right on the inside of me no man will ever be good enough for me. I will manage to either hook up with the wrong person who has the wrong motives, or who has the right motives but my motives are not right so why does it matter? The only reason a man and woman should ever marry is if they just cannot live without each other, this is my conclusion. Not to have a space filler, or to have a sex partner (though this is a good motivator for marriage). Nope, the value of a man is someone who I can love as a brother or friend in the Lord right now, who I can learn from, who can maybe help me with “man” things all us women need a “handyman”, but mostly I need to only be surrounded by good men. Bad men, stay away.

Unable To Sleep

I am unable to sleep. This wouldn’t be a big deal if I didn’t have somewhere I had to be in the morning, but since I have an appointment the amount of stress over the loss of sleep increases greatly. Also, conflicts arise in a certain relationship status. You know there is always a reason to “stress”. When we do well it seems our adversary, the devil works that much harder to add stresses to our lives. “Oh, you are having peace? Well, let’s change this here is some strife, here is some adversity”. However, my heavenly father is one step ahead. He had already been speaking to me about this particular relationship. He told me that if this person doesn’t remain supportive of me they will soon regret not standing by my side. He told me this in my spirit for days now and now I’m seeing it manifest, and so far this friend is choosing the wrong side. My heavenly father will bless me soon, he has shown me. I have received prophesies of how he will do this, but prophesies are meant to stir our faith. I never trust in the prophesy itself aside from what God is already telling me, but I have expectant hope I can say this much. In the future, I don’t know exactly how soon but I do know that soon enough I will be on here blogging a testimony, just wait and see. So, back to my point.. I am unable to sleep yet feeling pulled here to blog, so here I am. What the Lord has been counseling me in my heart about is to not be swayed by circumstances. This is the devil’s playground. I even heard a message today about this, that there are facts, and then there is the truth. God’s truth always trumps the facts. We are told many times not to worry, because what can worry do for our lives? What does it change? All that worry does is steal our joy while changing absolutely nothing. I know that in the grand scheme of things God has a plan and he is in control. Sometimes a door closes and this in itself can lead to a lot of stressful nights and lack of sleep, however the door was meant to close so that God can open a better door. Maybe his plan is to open and close several mini doors and we might feel like we are running around in a confusing maze, however there is a point in the end, a certain door, certain lessons that we must partake in in order to open the main door. Sometimes this is just a test of our faith, how much do we trust him in the midst of adversity? What is the point of trust if there is no action behind it or need for it? Also, I still have not forgotten that all of life is a seeking of certain doors, however is never about the doors because we already have everything we need which is a relationship with God himself. However, he places doors, challenges and desires to seek doors and to rise up to challenges for his purposes, and sometimes I think it just keeps things interesting. 🙂

You are enough

Goodnight little ones, this single mother says to her already sleeping children.  So many days I had been afraid, not knowing how I will ever do this on my own, but tonight everything feels O.K.  By your grace I have learned that even when I have obstacles that are yet overcome, there is nothing to fear because you are there, so no need to worry.  Tonight I am not worried.  Tonight I know myself and my kids are OK.  We seek to have our outside needs met, yet you truly do wish for us to prosper in our souls first, and this is what you have done for me.  You have shown me I’m accepted and met my deepest longing which is to be satisfied with love, to be loved.  There was a time when I didn’t believe this phrase, it was something that we Christians like to say, however as we say this, we are still reaching out our hands for more satisfaction towards things that do not satisfy like food, a lover, an occupation, a drug, an alcoholic beverage.  We think to ourselves “if only I can have… ____” fill in the blank.  That is what we can honestly refer to as an idol.  An idol back in Moses’s day was something made from wood or metal that people worshiped, yet it was obviously lifeless.  Now, because of your grace you have taught me that anything I reach my hand toward for satisfaction is just like one of those man made idols, lifeless.. because only you can truly satisfy.  When I get alone with you and when I hear your words come to my heart it gives me life.  It gives me love.  I love you Lord.  I worship you Lord.  You are enough.  

The Fight with Gluttony

Oh this sin is so ingrained in me.  I have found so much comfort in food most of my life.  Now it is time I let it go… the very thought of doing this has sent me into a feeding frenzy.. sigh.  Every time I decide I’m going to kick it and not eat until I am truly hungry something very appetizing beckons me from the refrigerator, and now I am finding myself eating not only when I am not truly hungry, but twice as much as I need.  Oh the shame, and to think that people in Africa have very little to eat, or nothing at all some days.  However, I have the mind of Christ, and old things pass away and all things become new.  This is just the beginning.  It wasn’t long ago when I gave up the nasty habit of smoking cigarettes and at first I experienced the same thing.  I smoked more when I thought about it, to the point of chain smoking 2-3 cigarettes with my lungs burning and hurting, hearing words in the back of my mind more like doubts saying “you will never kick this, you don’t want to kick it”.  Oh, it was a struggle alright, but thank God he didn’t give up on me and let me keep doing it.  I didn’t think I ever could, or that I ever would.  I didn’t think I wanted to bad enough, however I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, and I did overcome.  That was over 4 months ago.  But my mind says “you have been addicted to food for so much longer.. you have tried and failed so many more times” shhhh flesh machinery trying to keep me in bondage.  The word that my spirit speaks to me today is “those who he sets free are free indeed” your days are numbered gluttony.  So,  I had recently attempted a diet.. again.  Recalling how good I felt when I did it and succeeded a year ago.  What I failed to remember is how I relapsed afterwards and not only gained the weight I lost back, but plus some.  I have successfully lost weight using principles from christian weight loss programs such as weigh down workshop and thin within.  So these are the principles I am going off now, though I am not in any official weight loss programs now.  I have tried and failed at several diets and had succeeded in these programs to an extent in that I couldn’t continue with them through my pregnancies.  Others had but I didn’t.  However, one thing I learned in these programs and that I was recently reminded of in my time in researching my newest diet, that dieting is not a good idea.. ever.  A way of life is the way to go.  So I commit to myself right now that if it takes the rest of my life to accomplish this new way of life, it will still be worth it.  There is no need to hurry except for vanity which is not God’s plan.  He accepts me perfectly as I look right now and as I am.  Yet he still wants me to be free.  I will start this with prayer “Lord, I trust that you will set this captive free”.  That is a prayer of faith.  Amen.   

The Perfect Lover

I found the perfect lover finally after trying several bad ones.  Let me tell you about him and you can decide if you agree.  He always cares about me.  He doesn’t just tell me he cares, while showing in his actions that he doesn’t.  He always listens to what I say and also he is paying attention to what I am not saying.  He takes a look at everything that is going on in and around me and identifies needs that I have that I don’t even know that I have.  He watches over my life and when he sees danger approaching me he warns me.  He longs for me to spend time with him, unlike my past lovers I do not have to beg.  When I am busy, he respects my space and still watches over and loves me.  Eventually he tugs on me and asks me to come away with him to a secret place so that we can spend time together.  When I am feeling sad and alone, I will hear his gentle voice tell me how much he loves me, and I will feel his strong comforting arms wrap around me.  While I am being rejected by others I care about, he is standing beside me and tells me how valuable I am.  He does not simply flatter me with words, but rather he means every word he says.  When someone hurts me, he deals with them, sometimes making me feel bad for the person who crossed me, because that is how much he cares about me.  When I am feeling bad about a mistake I made, or a failure.. when I don’t believe I am good enough, he approaches me and tells me that he loves me and that I am perfect to him and that I should forgive myself.  Unlike other lovers, he’s always there.  He has never once been unfaithful to me, even when I’ve ignored him and chased after others.  He is faithful and I can trust in his authority 100% because he always has my best interest at heart when he tries to make decisions for me.  He is also very wise, he really does know more than anyone else I have come across, and he is rich.  He can afford anything, but he only gives me the gifts that are for my best.  Have you figured out who I am talking about yet?  His name is Jesus Christ.  Because he has always been faithful to me, while I joined with unfaithful evil men, I have decided that I will now be faithful to him, and I have discovered that he truly is the best lover that any woman (or man) can have.  He loves us more than a mother, a friend, a lover, a brother.  I have committed my life to him, and by his grace will continue to yield my life to him day by day.  I am the bride of Christ.