I prefer to have someone to talk to, yet at times I don’t have that special friend. Or, I’ll find someone to talk to, but the deeper need isn’t met. Why? Because no one satisfies like you. It is time alone spent with you that I am changed. Sometimes I think about how I lack. How I am not this or that. I go back to thinking about men, always expecting them to reject me. When they accept me, I still don’t feel the deeper satisfaction of being understood, cared about, truly seen and loved. Just hearing, “I love you”, isn’t enough. Just being told, “you are pretty” isn’t enough. No matter where I turn, someone else is prettier, smarter, more mature, sweeter, wittier. It is not a contest for sure. Every person is put on this earth to shine, and for a purpose. I can celebrate when another woman shines and gets that love she’s always wanted. I just want to be satisfied. It is still clear to me God, that I will only get that need satisfied in you, and I am reminded that you alone know every need I have and are able to meet it. You are shaping me, molding me, changing my shape, strengthening my faith. Teaching me to hear your voice and hold strongly to it, because all kinds of things make me want to deviate.. but you are with me. God, help me get go even deeper with you. I want to get even closer to you. I want to know you so intimately. You are surely the best lover, my soul was made to celebrate you and to be loved by you. You came down to save me. Help me to let you be the leader. Teach me. You have stepped back and let me do things my own way, I want your way. Please teach me. I don’t know how to follow you unless you show me. I don’t know how to do anything unless you guide me. I want to learn. Here’s what I need more, you impressed on me… I need to trust you. I need to know that when I am not even thinking about you, that you are bigger, that you are there, that you have not abandoned me. You spoke that word to me yesterday, you said, “I have not abandoned you”, and I even asked you what you meant, confused because I wasn’t consciously thinking you abandoned me. Now you are showing me. what you really meant by saying that to me is that… even if I go about my merry way, you care and watch over me. You care about me. I don’t have to beg you to pay attention to me. You are bigger than me. You have not left me alone to figure things out. I am not alone. You have not left me. You are still there, you are still here. You are near to me. Others often leave me. Others often don’t care. They care but not when I need them to care, or like I like them to care. You knitted me in my mother’s womb. You have always watched over me. I know this, yet I still try to take care of everything by myself and I act like I’m alone. I cannot do anything on my own. Please show me just how much you care about me. Please take care of me. Let this revelation go deep. Thank you Lord. Amen.
I am to the point that I am relying on every word you tell me God. So when you tell me that everything is going to be ok, and I start having anger, panic, frustration with how things are then I am not listening to you. Help me hold onto your words, your promise, your voice. When you tell me things, and the world shows the opposite of what you say, I will hold on. You tell me to obey, then I obey… you tell me this is the way.. then I will not go a different way. You tell me to rely on you, then I will rely on you. I trust you. You honor faith. I am standing on my faith. You are the author and finisher of faith. You tell me that if I am wrong about anything, you will make it clear to me. You alone are faithful.
This is a continuation of my last post. I am not about to take on the exhaustive task of posting every single dream, vision, and prophesy I’ve had, however I want to post a few. I feel a strong need to post about these things. One dream in-particular I had just last month. I had a dream that I was standing on the porch in front of a home on a hill or mountain in a city that I believe was Jerusalem. I was facing the house, and the Lord spoke to me from behind me. He said he was going to give me all of Israel. He said first I would have to go through Jerusalem which was just a small stepping stone. At that I turned around to take in the sight of the City, and it was like an airplane view my vision swept across the tops of the buildings, including the one with the gold pointy roof.. and the city kept going and going and going. It was so vast. I accepted the fact that he told me he would do this and resisted any inclination to question him, because if nothing else I’ve been taught that if he says he’s going to do something, then that means he’ll do it. I also was in awe in how large Jerusalem was. I concluded that this dream was about my ministry when I woke up.
I’ve been told that God is going to send me to multiple countries. I’ve been prayed for by MOG that I will have an increased anointing in my ministry and that I will heal people and set them free. This has been my personal vision and desire since I was first filled with the holy ghost, to set captives free and do even greater things then Jesus did as we were told would happen in the later days. I believe we are in the latter days due to all the visions and dreams I’ve been having. I’ve been told I’m going to have another baby. I’ve been told I will write books and be given a key, and I was given a key in a vision in which I was taken to heaven. I’ve been told tonight by someone they had a dream about me standing on a mountain and directing a crowd of people on the direction they should go. I also had a vision of leading a crowd of people more than once. I’ve had visions of flying in the air because I was so filled with fire. Why? because like Jesus, I was made for these purposes. We have all been made for a God given purpose, and we all will accomplish it if we allow God to help us do so.
It is God and Jesus who gives me the faith to hope and believe that these things will come to pass. I’m ready. I was told I would enter the promised land soon. I suppose the reason God will bring people to prophesy and pray such things is to encourage, direct, strengthen, and because their prayers are part of the process. My entire life story, including the times I wrote creative stories and read to my sisters as children and journaled and took writing classes in school was part of my life story and God’s grand plan. That is the important point that is to be made in this blog. That yes, God does have a master plan, and we have desires, hopes, dreams, prophesies, and visions however it is the people who pray for us that cause it to happen. It is that one person’s act of faith in obedience by sharing their faith, their word, their money, their talents, that brings it to pass. We are all part of his body and all of our unique strengths AND weaknesses, acts of faith and service all have their place in the grander plan and we will all be rewarded accordingly.
I will end this on that note with a prayer. Father, please bring these visions and dreams to pass. My greatest desire is to number one, be one with you, and number two, use the gifts and talents you’ve given me to honor you and win souls for you. Please let me not miss out on one single person you have planned to lead my way. Help each of us discover by faith our own individual talents, gifts, and callings and stir a longing to satisfy it. Help us by giving us the grace to desire to fulfill your desire and give us the tools and knowledge and wisdom in stopping Satan from doing his work to stop your will in our lives. Please bring down your kingdom and your will be done on earth as it is in heaven that not a single one of us will be lost. It is all for your glory, in your power, and for your greater purpose which we praise you for. I look forward to the new kingdom that is coming our way.. Amen.
Within the last 48 hours I’ve had 3 men approach me and give me a word from the Lord. Each word has pertained to ministry. I’m being told God has given me favor. I’m told I will lead many people and help them. I’ve been told God will help me and he’s with me. It is God who has inspired a few destiny helpers to think to pray for me regarding these things. The thing is that I already know God is leading me into evangelism. I know I will visit other countries and lead people. I don’t know how, except that God will guide. I don’t need people to validate this to me, however the fact that God inspired people to approach me and speak to me concerning this is very encouraging. I am writing a book. I feel like I’ve been saying this forever, but it’s taken me this long to get to this point. It is intimidating writing this book because I’ve never written a book before, though I know this is what I’m made for. I finally got through my outline which I had taken a short cut and tried to skip doing an outline, which just ended up delaying the process more. I would claim that it’s been a waste of time, but that would be false. Even though I haven’t made the progress I’d wanted to by now, all the work I had put into brain mapping, outlining, writing thoughts here and there.. filling up note book after note book with ideas, all eventually lead me to the actual writing of the book. So all the books and articles I’ve read about writing a book has been accurate in that they all say one common thing, and that is that at the end of the day, what matters is to write. So I had finally gritted my teeth and pushed myself past the automatic discouragement, fear, and distractions that want to derail me. I also never sit down anymore to write without first praying for God’s grace to help me write. This has been fundamental in getting me through the process. I am confident that future books (a couple are already in the budding stages) won’t be so painfully long to get accomplished.
I’ve had several prophesies, dreams, and visions regarding my future in ministry. I had been afraid to openly talk about such things for fear that it looks like I’m bragging. However, I am continually reminded by the Lord that the reason why he shows me some things is so that I can declare it from the mountain tops. Sure, there are areas that I could have more discretion in, and discretion is what I have been asking for a lot lately. Discretion of the spirits of every matter, because up til now during my entire spirit filled life I had been pulled by two voices. God’s and the counterfeit, 3 if you consider my own. I had asked people about this experience much this past year, and I don’t get a lot of feedback, other than “his sheep know his voice”.. which at first I took as offense because I felt like they were implying I didn’t know God’s voice. People just aren’t always going to be able to judge our experiences because they are so personal and they just cannot know unless they were able to walk in our shoes for some days. The good that comes from this is that there is a purpose for all that we go through, and I have discovered that the reason I’ve been allowed to go through the spiritual experiences I have, especially concerning the spirit of fear, is so I can teach the world about distinguishing between God’s voice and Satan’s voice. This is preparation for the anti-Christ, because the biggest issue during that time will be that people will be lead astray and deceived by the counterfeit spirits, the signs and miracles, the appearance of Godliness that all have an appearance of wisdom, but all of them deny that Jesus is the Christ. Even believers will be deceived i believe. I believe this adamantly because of my own personal trial with being confused about the voice of the spirit of fear vs God’s holy spirit. Satan’s presence is so crafty that the feelings are very similar to that of the holy spirit, the words can be scriptural, yet have the wrong spirit. What about when you are prophetic but you hear two voices? It sounds like the same voice, however one voice leads you one direction, and the other the opposite direction. It is clear to me now that the only way a person will be able to rise above and overcome in following the Lord during such an experience is if they are truly crucifying their life, picking up their cross and truly obeying. The knowledge of the word in itself is dangerously deceptive in that knowledge can puff up and lead one to fool themselves into thinking they are in the right because they know what is right. Yet as they continue not obey the word they know, they will be lead the wrong way.. and think they are right in the process. God has set up our lives in a way that requires true devotion in order for us to be saved. However, even if we turn to the right or to the left, we will always hear a voice behind us telling us the right way… he will finish the good work he began in us that is for sure. Amen.
You have told me this week that the reason my plan failed is because I didnt listen to you in the first place, and rather than relying on you I was afraid and relied on man. No more by your grace. You keep moving me to place all my cares in your hands, and also to make you my portion and my source . Thank you holy God. Please help my book and my writings bring you glory and touch lives as you can use it the best. Your word is so rich with life that it only takes a small drop to infect and save a life. By the leading of your spirit I really just wanted to honor and praise you. You are the best lover, you care about souls. You also work to ensure that every soul is redeemed dear Savior and God allows you to create every story into a timeless, endless story. I am blessed beyond measure because im redeemed. 💖I love you Lord. Thank you for being you. Be blessed today. Amen.
My lesson this week is to not worry. The Lord showed it to me as a command and I posted it in a lesson, presenting it as sin. Many said they never thought about it that way, a couple people disagreed.. one lady very adamantly. I asked her how she can not think it is a sin when it is commanded for us not to worry. If we as humans considered worry to be punishable, then we might take this command more seriously. She pointed out that sin is violating the 10 commandments, but if you think about it.. worrying violates the greatest commandment, and that is that we should love the Lord our God first and with all of our strength. Jesus teaches us that if we truly love God, then we will keep his commandments.
Loving God means that we celebrate who he is, and when we really believe in him, then we trust him. It is very hurtful when the person who says they love you cannot trust you. How would you feel if someone says they love you in one breath , yet in the next breath they ask us to prove we are trust worthy.. my next question to that person is.. “you say you love you.. but you question my integrity.. so how can you mean it when you say you love me.. if you don’t realize who I really am?”. When asked what to call him, God replied “I am that I am”.
In essence , loving God means that we love what makes him who he is. Who is he? He is perfect love, he is able, he is faithful, he is omnipresent and omnipotent. So say we don’t trust him means we don’t know who he is.. and if we don’t really understand him, how then can we really mean it if we say we love him.
When we say that we love him, then that means we love what is right, because he is righteous. If we say we love him, then we also mean that we love the truth. So if we say we love him, but then treat his truth as if it is a lie, then we lie when we say we love him and the truth is not in us. This just means that we are deceived. We seem to think that believing in God, or even having respect for God.. means that we love God. But we don’t even know or understand who he is so we don’t really know what we are saying.. until we start obeying his commands. This is so helpful to me. This week ive found grace to really give up a couple things .. including worry. If I worry when im told directly not to.. then it is sin. If i partake in active worry instead of reminding my mind what scripture says, and that my God is able, faithful or that he cares about me.. then i am disbelieving.. and disbelief is sin. Even if one still refuses to call worry and disbelief sin, then we could call it a gateway sin.. disbelief in him and his word leads to sin of every kind. Eve trespassed the and ate forbidden fruit because she allowed herself to disbelieve what God said.. that eating that fruit would lead to permanent death.
If God tells us not to worry about our lives, then he tells us this for a reason. Lord, help us all believe without a shadow of doubt, obey, and enter heavenly rest 💖
A little more than a year ago i experienced a traumatic heart break in which an ex fiance betrayed me and it was a major shock. He was my last hope at a surviving relationship . We both had come from heart breaks and broken pasts and we used to tell eachother that if we didn’t last, neither of us had it in us to try to have a relationship again. We were both that damaged and broken . He looked me in the eyes and told me how wonderful I was and how dumb the men before me were and promised never to hurt me. For the first time in my life I began to relax and feel like everything would be alright , and then he betrayed me.
This ended up being the best thing that happened in my life. This was the point of surrender for me. Up until this point I had loved the Lord but I had not submitted to him in the area of my love life, and when we don’t submit in one area we end up not submitting in many areas .
The Lord Jesus came to me in spirit one morning when I was heart broke, and put his arm around my shoulders, comforting me. He reminded me of the woman at the well who had had many husbands and also lived with a current man who she wasnt married to, and then they had a conversation about living water verses the water that the world gave. It wasn’t a coincidence that this woman was in her 5th relationship and Jesus told her that those who drink from the water the world gives would thirst again… this was my life. Because i was drinking world water and not the living water I kept having failed relationships . I was the woman at the well. I made a decision that day that from then on I would truly surrender my life to him, especially my relationships. I had tasted the water the world gave me and i kept thirsting. They all failed me, they all hurt me, betrayed me, lied to me, didn’t give me what i longed and craved for.. perfect love .
After I had rededicated my life to the Lord, I knew I would need strength because men had always been my idol next to God.. So i joined a Christian singles site (better than a dating site) so that i could find motivation and strength from other Christians who also sought to be single like me.. or so I thought .. anyways I met many friends and this changed my life…
At first I was prepared to be single for the rest of my days, but the Lord told me he was bringing me a husband because he felt I needed one. I told him that only in him would I ever be able trust again.. I’ve had hope to trust again, but I knew that this was impossible without God..
Today I now see differently by his grace . By his grace I’ve learned that in my years of being hurt Ive built walls, these structures in my mind come now as automatic thoughts… no one can be trusted they say, when the men say the right things my mind says “they all say the right things”, when the men appear right, my mind says “yeah but the devil is a skilled liar and pretender” the men say.. “but im not your ex” but my mind says, “yeah yeah yeah I’ve heard this before ” the men say, “you want someone perfect” and my mind says, “yes i have him, his name is Jesus and you are not it”… the men say, “you need to get over it, move on” my mind says..”i cannot force that you don’t understand “.. the man says, “i cannot be with someone who doubts me” my mind says, “then you are with the wrong person i am unable to trust anyone”.
I’ve struggled with this because how can one have the need and urge to be with someone, yet be hopeless at the same time? “You need counseling Jenifer ” my friend says, my mind says, “years of therapy cannot fix me, because I am unfixable.”
I desperately want to feel safe, not be afraid , but i can’t. The walls my mind have built had become a prison and not a safe haven. But God….
You see something my friends via the holy spirit have been saying to me lately is.. you cannot have faith and doubt at the same time, you cannot have certainty and fear at the same time… the break through came when i understood that I had to make a Choice. Either I believe God or I don’t . My friend said, “are you going to believe God that he will keep you safe and deliver you?”.. the key is to not be anxious but to run to God for everything, and… if he says something, I don’t allow contrary feelings and thoughts to deture me. I also discovered that there is a strong contrary voice with me so i stand against Satan by not only rebuking him… because I got a revelation today that after i was mistreated by one of my exes id had this controlling, unclean spirit with me so i rebuked that by his grace. Now I have a different belief. A year ago I said “I cannot trust anyone “, now I can say sincerely that ,”there are plenty of trustworthy men who are faithful and genuine. There are men who truly love God and who would genuinely love me and treat me well”.. i had been raped by Satan.. mind raped mostly .. and now he is being treaded upon under my feet. I believe in the spiritual aspect of freedom from demonic influence that begins with rebuking the devourer, but that is only part of healing . That is pulling out the root of evil. But healing continues as we become reformed in our thinking .. now i see that these automatic thoughts that have been walls forming a prison i couldnt break free from were first built to protect me. With Satan out of the picture we can begin healing, now with God’s grace I seek to be healed of every painful belief.. it also includes reliving painful memories and seeing Jesus with me this time
..all that was done to me was done by Satan and was a weapon meant to destroy me.. but God will restore all that he took from me. Amen.