Walls

A little more than a year ago i experienced a traumatic heart break in which an ex fiance betrayed me and it was a major shock. He was my last hope at a surviving relationship . We both had come from heart breaks and broken pasts and we used to tell eachother that if we didn’t last, neither of us had it in us to try to have a relationship again. We were both that damaged and broken . He looked me in the eyes and told me how wonderful I was and how dumb the men before me were and promised never to hurt me. For the first time in my life I began to relax and feel like everything would be alright , and then he betrayed me.

This ended up being the best thing that happened in my life. This was the point of surrender for me. Up until this point I had loved the Lord but I had not submitted to him in the area of my love life, and when we don’t submit in one area we end up not submitting in many areas .

The Lord Jesus came to me in spirit one morning when I was heart broke, and put his arm around my shoulders, comforting me. He reminded me of the woman at the well who had had many husbands and also lived with a current man who she wasnt married to, and then they had a conversation about living water verses the water that the world gave. It wasn’t a coincidence that this woman was in her 5th relationship and Jesus told her that those who drink from the water the world gives would thirst again… this was my life. Because i was drinking world water and not the living water I kept having failed relationships . I was the woman at the well. I made a decision that day that from then on I would truly surrender my life to him, especially my relationships. I had tasted the water the world gave me and i kept thirsting. They all failed me, they all hurt me, betrayed me, lied to me, didn’t give me what i longed and craved for.. perfect love .

After I had rededicated my life to the Lord, I knew I would need strength because men had always been my idol next to God.. So i joined a Christian singles site (better than a dating site) so that i could find motivation and strength from other Christians who also sought to be single like me.. or so I thought .. anyways I met many friends and this changed my life…

At first I was prepared to be single for the rest of my days, but the Lord told me he was bringing me a husband because he felt I needed one. I told him that only in him would I ever be able trust again.. I’ve had hope to trust again, but I knew that this was impossible without God..

Today I now see differently by his grace . By his grace I’ve learned that in my years of being hurt Ive built walls, these structures in my mind come now as automatic thoughts… no one can be trusted they say, when the men say the right things my mind says “they all say the right things”, when the men appear right, my mind says “yeah but the devil is a skilled liar and pretender” the men say.. “but im not your ex” but my mind says, “yeah yeah yeah I’ve heard this before ” the men say, “you want someone perfect” and my mind says, “yes i have him, his name is Jesus and you are not it”… the men say, “you need to get over it, move on” my mind says..”i cannot force that you don’t understand “.. the man says, “i cannot be with someone who doubts me” my mind says, “then you are with the wrong person i am unable to trust anyone”.

I’ve struggled with this because how can one have the need and urge to be with someone, yet be hopeless at the same time? “You need counseling Jenifer ” my friend says, my mind says, “years of therapy cannot fix me, because I am unfixable.”

I desperately want to feel safe, not be afraid , but i can’t. The walls my mind have built had become a prison and not a safe haven. But God….

You see something my friends via the holy spirit have been saying to me lately is.. you cannot have faith and doubt at the same time, you cannot have certainty and fear at the same time… the break through came when i understood that I had to make a Choice. Either I believe God or I don’t . My friend said, “are you going to believe God that he will keep you safe and deliver you?”.. the key is to not be anxious but to run to God for everything, and… if he says something, I don’t allow contrary feelings and thoughts to deture me. I also discovered that there is a strong contrary voice with me so i stand against Satan by not only rebuking him… because I got a revelation today that after i was mistreated by one of my exes id had this controlling, unclean spirit with me so i rebuked that by his grace. Now I have a different belief. A year ago I said “I cannot trust anyone “, now I can say sincerely that ,”there are plenty of trustworthy men who are faithful and genuine. There are men who truly love God and who would genuinely love me and treat me well”.. i had been raped by Satan.. mind raped mostly .. and now he is being treaded upon under my feet. I believe in the spiritual aspect of freedom from demonic influence that begins with rebuking the devourer, but that is only part of healing . That is pulling out the root of evil. But healing continues as we become reformed in our thinking .. now i see that these automatic thoughts that have been walls forming a prison i couldnt break free from were first built to protect me. With Satan out of the picture we can begin healing, now with God’s grace I seek to be healed of every painful belief.. it also includes reliving painful memories and seeing Jesus with me this time

..all that was done to me was done by Satan and was a weapon meant to destroy me.. but God will restore all that he took from me. Amen.

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