I Am My Worst Enemy

I have prayed and prayed and prayed for relief from anxiety and clarity in thought. I have memorized and have done my best to apply scriptures regarding fear, peace, anxiety and they have helped build my faith on the truth, but still my mind nags and nags at me. Finally I have my answer in the book of 1 John. Did I ever mention that it was the book of 1 John that God used to reveal himself to me in a real way for the first time? I love the book of 1 John, I have not read a more anointed book in the entire bible.. yet I rarely read it anymore. I shall get back to that… so much power in every word written therein…

1 John 3:19-21 NIV reads:

19 This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: 20 If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. 21 Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God”

I have an overactive conscience and am more on the hyper-vigilant side of things. I have had to learn how to let go of condemnation, and I have had to learn how to not be in bondage to the religious spirit, and I’ve had to learn how to be at peace with God and embrace his righteousness by faith and not earn it by works. This has been a long process and now I see ministers trying to sell righteousness by works, saying, “if you do this, then you will be righteous” and I see the error in their message and I know it is all grounded in pride and fear.. that being said, now that I am on a pursuit of holiness and purity in a way that the need to be right before God cannot be quenched until I am 100% perfectly inline with his spirit.. because that is what the spirit inside of me craves… it is time to deal with this nagging inside my brain.

The nagging inside of my brain that causes me so much anxiety is my own voice condemning me. Sometimes I just want to look at it and say, “shut up!!” However, there is something to that nagging voice inside of my brain. There is something more to this….

So now I am thinking…. “so, you want to be spirit lead you say…. but you have the mind of Christ….” we have the mind of Christ inside of us, and when there is a nagging then that could be the Christ in us begging to be heard, right? So instead of ignoring that nagging that drives me insane.. now I shall start paying attention to it… why am I mad at myself right now? may be the question of the hour… like my children who I often ignore when their nagging becomes incessant.. I now must pay more attention to what they are needing… what are my thoughts needing? What is inside of me that is begging to come out.. ? It may be the little things.. it is always the little things that we thought God did not care about…

Ok so when we stop looking at it as “God doesn’t like” because we know that God is all accepting and loving, then we see it as “I don’t like this about myself”.. but when we think about it from the perspective of “I don’t like this about myself and I am ready to be free from the dumb reasons I have behind doing it” then becoming new gets real and personal.. however, the mystery is that it is not simply that “I” do not like this about myself, however it is the “mind of Christ” that does not like this about myself… Therefore God Does care about even the most minor things and if he cares, then I shall listen.

When our biggest need becomes to be clean before God, so that we can have confidence before him and ultimately for me, it is so I can finally have that peace I crave and so that my greatest desire can come into play, that I will be one with the holy spirit of God, which minds we will be like minded and my mind and will and emotions will be in agreement always.. then when he moves I move.. and what I think he also thinks, and what I say is from his mouth.. because we are like minded, we are one in spirit and truth.. then I will be truly happy and will finally have an end to mental anguish and pain and nagging and have peace…

So how do I do this? I take a good long hard look at myself and listen to myself… when I am upset, why? If I am doing something I know better then, why? what do I really want and feel right now? The word of God says that when we look intently into his law, being doers and not just hearers, it gives us freedom. Jesus, you said your yoke is easy and that your burden is light.. so I believe you. I don’t understand it, but I do not have to. I only have to trust you. I trust you. Let my actions show that my faith is grounded in you. Let me not be afraid. Lord you say that when we ask anything according to your will, that you will do it for us.. .so I ask you, I implore you, please add more grace for me to be able to finally attain oneness in you in spirit. Help me learn your will and have the courage and insight to submit all things in my life to you. To give my will utterly to your purposes. Help me not be afraid. Sustain me. Lead me, guide me. I trust you, you are able. No doubt will I be satisfied. Show me your ways, teach me your ways and make my paths straight I ask this in Jesus’s beautiful name amen.


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