I’m in a process right now of grieving because God is having a “coming to Jesus” meeting with me, so to speak. I have realized that my focus on men is idolatry for me, and is simply a distraction that makes me have sorrow. I have been so afraid he’s leading me to be single, while at the same time wishing I had the grace of a eunuch, not having the need to be with a man. Now I’ve come to a cross roads that I am called to focus all my attention back to him, and to not do so is straight up disobedience. So I grieve because of recent perceptions and doubts about a man I love and feeling rejected. The Lord reminds me every time that I am hurting because I am tangling myself with man flesh (not literally just yet), and setting my heart on man who is imperfect, when in all honesty it is perfect love that I truly need not only now, but maybe for the rest of my life. I have anguish when I consider my desire to be with a man, yet am not sure how I would ever be content with anything less than the best which I doubt I’d ever have with a human. I have my will, my understanding which at times feels so limiting, and then I have God’s will that I do not know. I do know this however, I want what his will is more than I want my own will. So now for the sake of knowing that “father knows best” I am yielding to his will which is to focus on him right now. Put him first right now. Make him my love right now. I am not going to lie, it is a struggle. I am still thinking about the man I care about, still going through the hurt I feel from doubt, still hopeful it can work out, the grief of dying to my will completely not knowing if I’ll ever know a man again as I do so which has been a solid idol in my life for years, and just down about these things, then coming back to hearing God in the back ground in spirit dropping scripture after scripture in my heart saying, “today is the day that the lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it”, “all good things come from above from the father of heavenly lights”, “praise God for all the things his hands have made”, “there is nothing in all creation that can separate you from my love”, “he works all these light and momentary afflictions for my good”, “faith comes by hearing, hearing by the word of God”… and there is a spiritual presence rejoicing and leading me to rejoice all the while my soul is in grief because I am dying to my will.. but wait, there’s more voices, “I have been crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, yet not I but the life I live i Live by faith in the son of God who loved me and gave himself for me”, “how much more will you submit to the father of lights and live”, “it is the perfecting of your faith that is at work here”, “patient endurance, patient endurance”. Here is what faith is about, it is about believing what the word says enough to die for it and act upon it. It does not feel good… at first. This is why it is called dying, however the glory of being rooted and established in love and on his word is that there is so much promise, and we know that we don’t truly find life until we have given up our life saying, “not my will by thy will be done”. Oh how glorious is the inheritance of the saints. No eye has seen or ear heard what God has in store for those who love him. Ok ok Lord, if you tell me to rejoice, then I better receive that command and start rejoicing, by faith, pressing in, finding a reason. Because you know the plans you have for my life, plans to prosper me and not harm me, to give me a hope and a future.. Jeremiah 29:11 my verse for this month. Surely we have a delightful inheritance.
So, now that I’ve gotten all that under my belt and dealt with, there is peace. Now that my only work is to focus on is the assignment the Lord has given me. Now that the only one who I am giving my heart to is Jesus, I have found the one and perfect thing. No greater love has man than this, that a man would lay down his life for his friend. Jesus believed in God’s will enough that he willingly gave up his life, so that by him loving his life, because he loved me so much, I might now be able to enjoy a life lived through him completing God’s will. Jesus is my heart focus and his love is perfect. He is always right. He is always genuine, patient, loyal, loving, true, and when he tells me I need to listen, it is because he genuinely loves my soul. There is so much comfort when the king of the heavenly realms gives you an assignment and a new hope to live a life worthy of that call is my biggest sacrifice. I have grand things to look forward to and there is a word for every season so I have a lamp for my feet at all times to light the correct path and there is thrill in mystery. When my heart is set on him, the author and finisher of my faith, the pain dissipates, the storm calms and I am very comforted. Thank you Jesus.