Sometimes our negative feelings are there so that we can go deeper in understanding life and our father in heaven. When we feel discouraged in this world, it means that we are not content with what this world has to offer. When we feel down, it seems to be a time of transition for our souls. We learn what we are and what we are not. We learn who are our friends and who are not. We learn that only the father himself is able to satisfy our deepest needs. When the world presents itself it seems that it is often a facade. Only God is real. People act like who they are not, because if we saw them for who they are than maybe we would reject them as they reject themselves. I know that focusing on my own blemishes is full time work and I can see why it would be difficult to have real time for someone else. It is also in the times spent alone that we present ourselves to God as we really are, and the beautiful thing about God is that we do not have to be perfect, but because of his grace we are someone, but because of his long suffering can we grant long suffering to another. I would rather be alone then have fake interactions with others. I would rather be myself and accepted for who I am. In this world we will not find true love unless for his grace.
I entered back into prayer, asking God would deliver me from things I’ve asked him before and I was met with distraction. I found my thoughts asking a different question of myself.. I found myself asking, “do you think it is an accident that you think the things that you do?” I thought about some key people in my life and I found myself asking.. “is it an accident that they are in your life?” When we try to make sense about our life it is easy to become confused. All we need to realize is that our life is no accident. The circumstances in our lives are not accidents. It is not an accident that we feel the way we do or have the desires that we have. Our lives are geared in a way that is meant to work out for our good. I trust it even when it makes no sense.
I have prayed and prayed and prayed for relief from anxiety and clarity in thought. I have memorized and have done my best to apply scriptures regarding fear, peace, anxiety and they have helped build my faith on the truth, but still my mind nags and nags at me. Finally I have my answer in the book of 1 John. Did I ever mention that it was the book of 1 John that God used to reveal himself to me in a real way for the first time? I love the book of 1 John, I have not read a more anointed book in the entire bible.. yet I rarely read it anymore. I shall get back to that… so much power in every word written therein…
1 John 3:19-21 NIV reads:
“19 This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: 20 If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. 21 Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God”
I have an overactive conscience and am more on the hyper-vigilant side of things. I have had to learn how to let go of condemnation, and I have had to learn how to not be in bondage to the religious spirit, and I’ve had to learn how to be at peace with God and embrace his righteousness by faith and not earn it by works. This has been a long process and now I see ministers trying to sell righteousness by works, saying, “if you do this, then you will be righteous” and I see the error in their message and I know it is all grounded in pride and fear.. that being said, now that I am on a pursuit of holiness and purity in a way that the need to be right before God cannot be quenched until I am 100% perfectly inline with his spirit.. because that is what the spirit inside of me craves… it is time to deal with this nagging inside my brain.
The nagging inside of my brain that causes me so much anxiety is my own voice condemning me. Sometimes I just want to look at it and say, “shut up!!” However, there is something to that nagging voice inside of my brain. There is something more to this….
So now I am thinking…. “so, you want to be spirit lead you say…. but you have the mind of Christ….” we have the mind of Christ inside of us, and when there is a nagging then that could be the Christ in us begging to be heard, right? So instead of ignoring that nagging that drives me insane.. now I shall start paying attention to it… why am I mad at myself right now? may be the question of the hour… like my children who I often ignore when their nagging becomes incessant.. I now must pay more attention to what they are needing… what are my thoughts needing? What is inside of me that is begging to come out.. ? It may be the little things.. it is always the little things that we thought God did not care about…
Ok so when we stop looking at it as “God doesn’t like” because we know that God is all accepting and loving, then we see it as “I don’t like this about myself”.. but when we think about it from the perspective of “I don’t like this about myself and I am ready to be free from the dumb reasons I have behind doing it” then becoming new gets real and personal.. however, the mystery is that it is not simply that “I” do not like this about myself, however it is the “mind of Christ” that does not like this about myself… Therefore God Does care about even the most minor things and if he cares, then I shall listen.
When our biggest need becomes to be clean before God, so that we can have confidence before him and ultimately for me, it is so I can finally have that peace I crave and so that my greatest desire can come into play, that I will be one with the holy spirit of God, which minds we will be like minded and my mind and will and emotions will be in agreement always.. then when he moves I move.. and what I think he also thinks, and what I say is from his mouth.. because we are like minded, we are one in spirit and truth.. then I will be truly happy and will finally have an end to mental anguish and pain and nagging and have peace…
So how do I do this? I take a good long hard look at myself and listen to myself… when I am upset, why? If I am doing something I know better then, why? what do I really want and feel right now? The word of God says that when we look intently into his law, being doers and not just hearers, it gives us freedom. Jesus, you said your yoke is easy and that your burden is light.. so I believe you. I don’t understand it, but I do not have to. I only have to trust you. I trust you. Let my actions show that my faith is grounded in you. Let me not be afraid. Lord you say that when we ask anything according to your will, that you will do it for us.. .so I ask you, I implore you, please add more grace for me to be able to finally attain oneness in you in spirit. Help me learn your will and have the courage and insight to submit all things in my life to you. To give my will utterly to your purposes. Help me not be afraid. Sustain me. Lead me, guide me. I trust you, you are able. No doubt will I be satisfied. Show me your ways, teach me your ways and make my paths straight I ask this in Jesus’s beautiful name amen.
I am chosen. I feel so loved. When I reflect on snippets of my life, I see how God orchestrated me coming into his kingdom and to be used for his purposes. Even now everyday I hear him speak to me and remind me that he loves me, and that I am his, because he chose me. It doesn’t matter if another understands me or not, because he does. It doesn’t matter if another chooses me or rejects me, because what they don’t know is that he orchestrates all of it. Those who “chose” me do so because he works in their hearts to, and those who reject me are his way of guiding me into other areas of prosperity that doesn’t include them. I am “chosen” by those friends who I have been given, even the ones who love me the most. I hear more than once from a couple of them, who say to me, “I chose you” to make it clear to me that they chose me first, it wasn’t the other way around. The same is true with God. We think we have chosen him, but the truth is that no one can come to him unless he draws them to himself. He chose me, he created me with a destiny and has orchestrated all my circumstances to lead me to that very purpose. How does it feel to be chosen AND designed by God? This means that I can no longer put myself down in a way that says I am garbage, because I am not, rather I am chosen and special. I am chosen because he loves me and wants me to be with him in heaven. I am chosen because he wants me to love him as much as he loves me. I am chosen so I am special. Who is greater than my heavenly creator and king? Who can court me and ask me to marry them that would be a better mate than the lover of my soul? Only the best for his children. Thank you for choosing me Lord, I love you and I am blessed. Please help me fulfill your high calling you know the needs of my heart help me accomplish them. Thank you Jesus for everything. I love you.
“But, I don’t see God”, one might say. Turn your eyes to him, turn around and look at him, he is there. We don’t “see” him because we are not looking at him, instead we are looking at something else. We are looking at a care of the world, a desire that is rooted in the world, we are looking at a project, a chore, a job, a fun activity, a book, a movie, a drawing, the clouds, the back of our eye lids. Every time we look for him, we will find him. Here is a secret. Looking at his word is the same as looking at him. Looking at the law of freedom gives us freedom and shows us who we truly are, and it is the same as looking at God, because he is the truth. Does that mean that God is some kind of metaphor for truth, not at all. Rather, God was and is, and then his words were written in a book, and came to earth in the form of Jesus, and then came to earth as his holy spirit who resides in each of us who have embraced the truth. The truth IS God, but God is still God. Selah.
I looked down at my child and saw that they were anxious. This bothered me, I had no pleasure from it. This got me thinking about us and God our heavenly father. Humans are not equipped for anxiety. We were not meant to be burdened. What causes us to be burdened is trying to figure out things or to try to do things independent of God. God does not want his children to be anxious, and when he sees us anxious he does not like it. What is that thing you are thinking about that has you feeling fretful? He says, “my child, be anxious for nothing, I will take care of you”. Why then we might ask, has he not taken care of me yet? The next question you should ask yourself is this, have you taken your cares to him.. and… waited for him to answer? You see, I am very good about taking my cares to him, but waiting for him to move is another ball game. He says, “I am able”. When we know he cares about us, and I mean about every little thing that concerns us, then we will run to him. Think about the time you had a friend who cared about you and you felt you could safely run to them and be yourself. That is God, he is “that” friend. Maybe you have never had a friend like that, well guess what, God is that friend you have missed and longed for. He is the comforter for your soul. He is not imagined, he is, as he says “I am that I am”. He is the great, “I am”. He is it all. He is all you have ever hoped for or imagined. You don’t believe me? Try him. He says, “taste and see that I am good”. Go to him with that very thing that is making you feel worried, talk to him about it, ask him for a solution, and then.. wait…. he will counsel you he is waiting for you to truly seek him, seek his face. Get to know home. God I am so grateful that I have a God who is perfect like you. I am so grateful that you are slow to anger and full of mercy. Thank you for your promises that we can trust. You say that when we seek you first everything else will be added to us. I count on it father, my God who cares.
You are always the same. No matter how I feel, you are there, and you care about what I need. That has been the most liberating experience that I’ve had since I’ve been in a relationship with you my Lord. If I turn my thoughts to you, you keep me in perfect peace. Because when I turn my thoughts to you, I see that you are with me. You have always been there, but when I consider you, I can see your presence better. Not only this, but you are your own being, so even when I’m not consciously thinking about you, you speak up and remind me that you are with me. That is pleasant. Lately when I have a worry start to crop up, as it seems there is always something to concern ourselves about, you have started reminding me that you know what I need. Sometimes when we accept where we are, and what we have vs what we don’t yet have, then that is when you change things. Maybe you won’t change something right away, and often times you don’t. Why? We shouldn’t concern ourselves with earthly things that we have no control over. I realize that even if I suddenly had that one thing that I think would make me feel better, I might experience relief for a few days before my mind moves on to the next thing that needs fixed. While we are here on earth, there will always be something that needs fixed, and if we get upset over what needs fixed, then we will always be upset. Maybe having missing puzzle pieces is meant so that you can show us how you put together the most beautiful puzzle. It is almost like a surprise if we think about it. We see that missing puzzle piece all the time, but every time we pass by it, we wonder to ourselves, “what will it look like when he places that piece in?” Those missing puzzle pieces are meant to be filled in by him, some pieces a little faster then others, but always it is perfect. Let us think about the problems in our lives as small inconveniences that will be satisfied soon enough in a way that makes more pieces fit together to be something grand and beautiful, instead of failures on our part for having missing pieces.
Romans 8:28 New International Version (NIV)
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.
Isaiah 26:3 New King James Version (NKJV)
3 You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You.
2 Corinthians 4:17 New International Version (NIV)
17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
Today I heard you tell me you were pleased with me, and that you are going to make everything in my life work out for my favor as you prepare a table before me with its luscious feast. I stopped and asked myself, “wait, did I even pray today?”. Yes, of course I always pray but today was not one of those days that I felt overly spiritual. I’ve made some attempts to press in yesterday but was met with meditation on things you were doing in my life instead. So I asked myself, what did I do? I searched my memory for what I did to please you and earn your reward of making everything turn out the way I have always hoped. I had a few ideas, but I heard you say, “just keep leaning on my word”. On my commute home today I felt your love again, you told me that you were very pleased with me and that you love me. I pondered about this some more. Even though I myself preach grace and love not works, I myself have an underlying tendency to try to earn your love and approval. It is human instinct? Or maybe just experience of growing up in a desert with little love. I always want to know, what did I do so that I can do it more. I don’t want to lose this love, I don’t want to lose this favor. Of course I want everything in my life to work for my favor. Of course I want the greatest riches I can have, which is having you close to my heart. And then it occurred to me…. I have done nothing to earn this love. You love me because you made me, and I was made to be intimate with you. You are not a formula that is a result of combining ingredients. You are not a riddle to be solved. You love me because I am yours and you chose me. You sought me, you knew me before I was ever born and had me in mind when you died on the cross for me. You did that for me. You came to earth in the form of a man to be despised and tempted like a man, and to be hurt, ridiculed, and broken like a man, because you thought about me. We error when we think that we have chosen you and that we have earned you, no you chose us and you bought us with your blood. You paid the bride price with human sacrifice. You know you, you made me to know you so that I can praise you all the rest of my life. What have I done except to be given the title of the bride of Christ, the child of the most high God. Thank you for being a permanent fixture in my life. I have not chosen wrong.
When people hurt you and are often fake, it is scary to dwell among them. The minute you open up to one of them it seems that is the moment that you are again reminded that people are not safe. Oh how great it is to have a good friend who you can share your deepest, inner most secrets with. Oh wait, what did they say about you? But.. I thought they understood me… but.. I thought they cared.. I thought they were safe, oh my bad for ever believing in a person.. once again I made a mistake. My life is set up to be exactly this way… why? Because this is what it takes for me to see that there is only one who is safe. He stands at the door.. waiting for me, watching me, loving me. I am his, I was designed just so that he can have me to be intimate with. No one else will share my glory he says to me, you have been created just for me. You have allowed me to chase after man.. you watched as I turned away and sought them instead, therefore every single “man” I turn to will be great a disappointment, why? Because you are standing in the doorway watching me, you know what I need, what I crave, what I desire, and it is a deep deep need for intimacy… but… this person does not suffice, that person doesn’t fit the bill, oh wait maybe this man will.. oh dang, no they didn’t, .. I search and I search and I search, and you are waiting, standing in the door way watching… finally I am utterly alone, disappointed, I remember you, and I call to you, you’ve always been there. You’ve always loved me perfectly. You’ve always been faithful to me, you are what I’ve always sought and craved. You are beautiful.. you are strong, you are wise, you are perfect….. salve for my heart, salve for my soul…. you reach out to me, even as I go about my business I feel your caress on my cheek, you love me and you just wanted me to be aware, that I was created just for you, you are my lover, I am fashioned to be yours to cherish and care for… oh how lucky I am I have been honored above all others because I have been prepared for the perfect lover and I am yours and you are mine and you I adore. I am safe.
I am told all the time, “it is well with you”. I am well because thanks to your grace I am understanding that I have not been well. I have had so many traumas and disappointments and they had taken their toll. However I am well because you are making me well. You tell me to expose myself to the light, to show you what is going on on the inside, things I do not want to see myself. I am not well. I am well because my hope is in you. I am well because I’m now very connected to you. I am well because it is just me and you. I can talk about how I feel because it is safe. I am not well Lord, but I am well now because with you I am safe.