I have felt weak my whole life, as far back as I can remember. I was a timid child, very sensitive and shy. I felt more comfortable playing by myself. I never grew out of that. I still have that small, timid child inside of me. I have discovered even at a young age that it was a weakness to be so sensitive and to care so much. Everything I took personally. Sometimes I still take things personally even when it wasn’t meant to be. I’ve been told so many times throughout my life I needed more confidence and that I shouldn’t care what people think about me. I also had a huge sensitivity towards others. When I was young I wanted to help people and counsel them. I always cared so much about making other people feel important and loved, all the while many people did not care when they made me feel unloved and unimportant. Now that I’m grown up I am still learning like a child. I suppose there is truth to postings that people who grow old still feel young inside and are even themselves shocked when they see their wrinkles in the mirror, wondering what had happened to them. There was a time when I thought that 40 years old was so old, but now that I am 40 years old I am afraid that I won’t have this life figured out before it is time to die. Life is but a breath for sure. One minute you are here, the next you are gone.
However, there are benefits to being 40 years old and that is I have new clarity about the meaning of life. When I was young I felt that being sensitive meant that I was weak, and that weak meant I was inferior, and that inferior meant that I was not valuable. The truth now as I see it is that Satan spent my whole life at my side driving that lie into my mind so that I would not see just how strong my weakness was, and how superior being inferior truly is. The bible says that those moments when we become weak, we then become strong. There is much strength and courage involved when I step out into the world, sensing the needs and feelings of other people around me, and still being able to look them in their eyes and have a conversation with them that is disconnected. It is courageous when I dare to believe the best in a person and value what they tell me when they’ve actually told me a lie, and even more courageous to love someone I know they are telling me a lie but are pretending they are not.
To have a sensitive heart and still be able to give a piece of it over and over again to people who will hurt it without a second thought is strength. To be misunderstood, to be rejected or used is a part of living as a human. However, the strength that comes from having a sensitive heart is to be able to forgive and understand as well. I have learned as I’ve grown older that as long as I am ok with myself, then it won’t matter if someone understood me or not. Yes, sometimes it is still disappointing, that is natural to feel that way, however as long as my confidence is not dependent on what that person thinks of me then I am ok. My job my suffer in a work environment in which another’s perspective and perception is what determines the security of your position, that sucks when that happens, because popular opinion always wins rather than integrity and truth. That is ok though, because the truth of the matter is that the trials and disappointments in our lives all serve one major purpose, and that is to prove what we base our trust in. Is my foundation for happiness based on my job position? No. Peace of mind maybe, until even then I learn that God always provides, even if it is a life lesson learned on the street. When we learn to embrace our weaknesses and instead see the strength in them, then we indeed become as strong as our greatest weakness. My trust is in the Lord and his word. I know that nothing can happen to me except for what he allows, and I’m not going to lie, I do fear what is coming up next because life has been like a roller coaster ride, just like a person might cringe as they know that a sudden turn or twist will surely appear any moment. However, I have learned to thrill of the roller coaster in that I really do not know what new lesson God is going to bring my way, because when I am weak, then I am strong.