I Love Myself

Ever since I had asked the Lord to heal me emotionally some months ago, I have had several moments in which I will receive a glimpse of myself by the holy spirit, and I like it. Yesterday I was getting really angry with my kids and being mean to them, which I knew I would regret, so I prayed “Lord, these kids are really making me angry right now”. I was also angry at myself for talking meanly to them, because I keep purposing not to do this. He spoke back to me in the next several moments. I saw myself as he saw me, loving, caring, always trying to please him and to do better by my kids and he just showed me myself how he sees me. He also showed me a glimpse of my kids behavior and told me that any parent would be frustrated with them, and that feeling angry was a natural emotion. I am back to the lessons of discipline and consistency. Sometimes we won’t discipline our children as we should because we feel bad for them. Instead I might threaten you “if you do that one more time”, here I am raising my voice, angry.. why? Why am “I” the one suffering because of “their” behavior? No, in this case I should along with every other parent out there get some just satisfaction in giving them their consequence and letting them “suffer”. Maybe losing that favorite toy that you didn’t want to take away because you know how special it is to them, is what that child really needs. This is human nature, we have to suffer like really suffer some consequences before we change certain behaviors, right? So, with the holy spirit’s help I see myself as he sees me, and I love myself. I see my gentleness, I see my genuineness. Some people misunderstand the motives. Some people don’t really see me as I am. This is true for many of us. So, is that my problem? No. Something to take into consideration is that how another person treats you and views you is a reflection of their heart, their motives, their “flaws”. A pure heart will see things purely. A muddy heart will judge other people’s motives through the filter of their own. Other people make certain mistakes, so they assume that you are doing the same. This is why we are told not to judge others, but first to look intently at the log that sits in our eye, otherwise we will not truly be able to see clearly enough to remove that spec from another person’s eyes. I am so sick and tired of suffering from other people’s logs. In my experience I get involved with people who have many many problems of their own but want to tell me how to live my life. This is where not putting our confidence in man is beneficial. We see others through the eyes of love and we put our own hearts on the burner… if someone mistreats me.. I can get mad, and sometimes I should get mad, however I always judge my own heart first. I always first ask “did I do something wrong”, “is my heart in the right place”, “how can I be a better person in this situation”, and then I serve others as unto the Lord, because it really is the Lord I am serving. I keep myself in check because I fear God, period. Not because I fear men, though some men I’ll admit can be pretty intimidating. When I am kind to a person, regardless if they deserve it, it is because I fear God, and I try to run my choices by him and his word. No, I am not perfect. Sometimes I get pretty mean, not going to lie. When we sin against others we should also ask for their forgiveness and make it right. However, on the same token, I answer to God, not man. There are times like recently I had a fall out with another, and God came by his spirit and told me that if they weren’t going to change their attitude towards me then they were really going to regret it. This was him preparing me for some conflict coming my way. When I dealt with this person, I was in the right and I maintained that I was not going to apologize for “their” issue, and we are no longer friends. This was a choice they made. God and I are good, my conscience is fine. This is an example of God approaching a person and warning a person, but they choose not to submit their own ways to him, therefore they are now learning the hard way what can happen when you mistreat someone else. There have been many times in my life in which I separated from and stopped interacting with that person, because that was the right thing to do. So, let this be an unspoken lesson to people who’d seek to get to understand “Jenifer”. I am kind and I tolerate things, but I am not a doormat. I am a pleaser, but ultimately I’m a God pleaser, not a man pleaser so beware that you might think that you can use me and abuse me. I also understand that anyone who is truly loving and giving to me is someone from God as well, and these people answer to God, whether they know it or not. God will bless us all for the choices that we make in life and especially how we treat someone else. If another person chooses to have a stinky attitude, that is between them and the Lord. I choose personally to serve the Lord. Amen.

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