Lack of Trust

So yesterday I wrote about my trust in God, how glorious this is!! Really no words can describe how wonderful this is, and we can always come to him no matter what is going on in our life or no matter what you have done.

Today I want to talk about my lack of trust in people, especially men. I am a little down today. My ex fiance apparently just got out of jail because he was graced with probation rather than jail time and although I’m pretty much over it.. today dirt in my heart is being stirred. Not only about him but about another recent ex.. and just about men but about women in my life, family members, adopted family members. It is all being stirred up.. thanks to whatever is responsible for this. That was sarcastic by the way. You know .. you love someone.. and then something happens, they betray you, or there are misunderstandings, distance.. whatever but to the core of a lack of trust is the fact that the person failed to love you enough. They broke a promise, they once made you believe they loved you just for you to later discover that it was only a lie.. or a partial truth. They were selfish and didn’t care about how they really hurt you… you know it really is easier to just be numb to it. I mean, what can you do? Mope? Whine.. shed a tear.. yes shedding tears are nice sometimes i don’t shed them enough but sometimes you can only shed so many times until you just get tired of it. And after you shed them then guess what? You are still left with the same broken heart. It didn’t change a single thing. But.. a person such as myself can get to a place in which you never trust a person anymore. Sure you can forgive and continue to forgive but eventually you still learn to look under every rock for the bug.. because you know that every rock is going to have a bug no matter how shiny and clean it appears. Others come along and say “oh.. but i am not that person.. i am being punished for someone else’s crime.. blah blah blah blah” yeah you think.. that’s what “he/she said too” you keep it to yourself because that person already has their feelings bruised.. and guess what.. yes.. you might have guessed it.. maybe.. there is NOT a happy ending to the story because.. lol.. surprise.. they did it too shhh…

So some may say or think that this is a bad place to be.. rock bottom in the trust department.. but guess what.. it is where im supposed to be. All i can do now is look up.. and learn to forgive but not ever teust.. unless the Lord allows.. but this was his plan to make me only ever depend on him.

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